Pour...Punch

This weekend was a double, no, triple whammy. Saturday we had a cookout and had a bunch of friends over which was great. John's dad came down to visit because Father's Day and John's birthday (Happy Birthday Honey) were on the same day, something that has only happened once, like...17 years ago? Something like that. Sunday John's sister and her brother-in-law Robbie came to hangout with John and Emily's dad for Father's Day and to visit us on their way back from a wedding. We all had a great time hanging out and celebrating Father's Day/John's birthday. As good as the weekend was, I found myself very introverted by Sunday and wishing I could retreat to my closet. It was a very fun weekend but also a busy/stressful/aggravating one as well. Sometimes I wonder why I can't socialize at times. I just shut down. Have nothing to say. Or what I do have to say doesn't want to be heard, so I don't. But other things were at work this weekend to slow my speech.
Have you ever felt like there was an elephant in the room...but for whatever reason you're the only one willing to acknowledge it's there...it's sitting RIGHT there, but everyone else is so used to it, they can't even see it anymore. But you can. Drives me friggin nuts. It all makes me feel like an idiot. Like...am I stupid for acknowledging the elephant or should I play blind and dumb like everyone else here? Is it just common knowledge that the elephant is something you tolerate and I missed the memo? I don't know. At this point, I just want to be in my closet, alone. My cold dark inviting closet. Closets are sometimes scary but as you get older, they're a good retreat location. Mine is especially good for that sort of thing. And right now I'm just tired of socializing awkwardly. Sometimes it feels like "visiting" never ends. I feel like I've either been a guest or had guests for the past 3 months and it's not going to stop any time soon. As terrible as that sounds. I should enjoy guests. I should enjoy being a guest. I do. But I'm tired of disconnection. I'm tired of driving and running around and trying to please everyone. I'm tired. I selfishly want to just BE. No guests, no being guests. Just BE here and enjoy each other while we have the chance before John leaves. Not run around, feeling crazier and rawer and less in control of my emotions by the second. The first stage leading up to separation is setting in and I'm fully aware of it, thankfully. Not in denial. But still frustrated. I just want to punch. Pour out these wasted emotions and punch. God, give me strength to survive this and next month.