2022
In fact, I had a realization this morning about the year 2022 and how that year was different for me.
In the middle of the year, I remember people asking how painting was going or art in general and to be completely transparent, it wasn't. I hadn't had the urge to paint in maybe 9 months. In the past, I might have felt guilty that I wasn't making time for it, especially with all the benefits it provides me in aiding with my mental health. But, I realized that last year was my year of healing. And in order to do that, I had to go to work. I really put my money where my mouth was and prioritized therapy, prioritized working on myself and healing. I am getting better about asking for REGULAR time to myself. But 2022 was the precursor that made it possible for me to do that now. If I hadn't done the work, I would still struggle with guilt when asking to have a break. I think John understands my need for breaks better now which is a bonus. He has seen what it likes when there is no life left in my eyes and he knows the look when I return refreshed an refilled. And sometimes that does not involve art. And that's okay. I have found other means of caring for my mental health.
One huge one this past year + was sewing a quilt, which I had never done before. It began as just something to do with my hands other than wasting time on my phone while nursing Maris as an infant and grew into a source of mental clarity. I now carry sewing everywhere I go in case I have some time to work while waiting for an appointment or whatever I'm doing. Actually finishing a quilt was kind of a life-long dream and it felt like a daunting task considering I am not a strong seamstress and majority of this was done by hand.
But I did it. I found instructions. I made a plan. I worked through issues and did my best to correct mistakes. I remember taking a good HOUR just figuring out the math for how much yardage I'd need to buy to finish the backing and border.
I am super proud of how it turned out and I enjoyed almost everything about the process, even if some parts stressed me out a little. But somehow, it kept the pressure off of my shoulders that would normally plague me during a creative deadline.
I decided to gift it to Maddie, our former babysitter turned best friend, who has been an incredible gift to our family. While working on it, I poured a lot of myself into it and what I was going through. Working on yourself and trying to heal is not for the faint of heart. It can be heavy. I think only something that heavy could keep me away from painting for as long as it did. But the quilt never felt like it was being made for me or for my kids, like a lot of people assumed. In the end, it was always meant for Maddie.
My sewing has slowed down which is okay. It ebbed and flowed before as well. Now, my focus has been writing which is a long time coming.
My brain changed a lot last year. I worked through some dark places last year. I understood things I couldn't fathom about myself and those understandings came to me last year. Because I put myself first. It has been a challenging year...one of the hardest in some areas. But one of the best in others.
And I wouldn't trade that for anything.
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