Memories...

My grandpa left behind a legacy before he died. He recorded his life story on 6 CDs for his kids and grandkids. On Christmas of 2006, my Step-Grandma Esther sent them out to all the Jackson family. And to this day...I truly believe I am the only one who has heard any of what he recorded. I can understand the rest of the family's hesitation, fear of it hurting just to hear his voice. But it frustrates me...and it makes me wonder what he'd think. What he thinks. How is ignoring what he had to say and wanted us to hear honoring him at all? I don't understand the logic. And I'm sure some of my cousins STILL don't even know the recording exists. This family is too silent sometimes.
On Friday, I finished the last CD. I only found one CD difficult or emotional to hear. The rest were full of funny stories and events from his childhood and life. I miss him...I wish I could talk to him now. But I know he was proud of me and would be proud to see who I am and who I am becoming. The CDs ended abruptly, like he intended to record more. I just wish we could sit down and talk. I'm glad he recorded what he did.
He is one relative I never found difficult to talk to. With some of my relatives, I'd been away for so long that it was like talking to a stranger. But Grandpa always seemed to have the right questions and comments so I didn't feel like he was clueless to where I was coming from culturally. I felt like I could be honest and real with him and not try to sugarcoat everything for everyone's American ears. Which I found myself doing a lot with all the places we had to visit across America during our visits. Not really with relatives but most everyone else. No one wants to hear the truth about what we did or what it was like. It's like you say a foreign place they've never dreamed of going and their minds hit a wall that they can't get past. They can't get past the stereotypes, the cliches, the news headings from 15+ years before. They ask how was it different from growing up in the states...and the answer? I have no idea. I can't grow up in two places at once. So I wouldn't have any idea how growing up in the states is like besides all the teen movies and magazines, now would I? And the irony of it all is I hit the same wall when talking about American culture that they do when presented with anything about China. The truth is I can't relate. Or at least then I couldn't. I can more now...but it's still a foreign world. Whether I like it or not, a lot of what I do, say, and think is Chinese...and yet I'm not culturally Chinese...not completely. For example: that sentence I just used "Or at least then I couldn't." is incorrect. It should be "Or at least I couldn't then." But in Chinese grammar, the time would come first...so my thought process works in "Then...I couldn't." as oppose to "I couldn't then." Make sense? Hmmm...thoughts. Memories...I miss you Grandpa. Thank you for the beautiful gift of those CDs. They were worth it even if only a few ever hear them.