If These Chairs Could Talk...

As John's return date grows closer, I grow weaker. I feel like I'm wearing thin. Aching for my own space to recharge my energy...but it's not available right now. Which is discouraging.
I finished reading 'The Hiding Place.' I found myself unsettled in church today and unsettled when I closed the book after finishing. I was on the verge of tears...but my mind is so muddled I fear I won't be able to put into words what I am thinking, feeling or believing. Time, I think...over time I should be able to.
I picked up a book I've been chewing on for some time: 'Flags of Our Fathers.' It's a great book, a heavy book, difficult to read at times, but wonderful. 'Wonderful' seems like the strangest word I could use to describe this book considering its subject matter...but it truly is.
I'm feeling an emptiness I've learned to ignore. Which makes me angry. Because I should have never forgotten it. Reading 'The Hiding Place' confirms it.
I know God is not my #1 right now. And that's not okay with me. With the realization, everything looks so dull and dead and rank. Meaningless. I don't want to continue on this path. It's like seeing the paved road when you've been trudging barefoot through the swamp for years. How can you continue the way you've been going when you've seen the higher ground?