The Simple Guide to Deployment Return Etiquette

A friend recently (did I already blog about this? I feel senile.) asked me if I was required to go through Officer Spouse Etiquette classes when/before John and I got married (apparently one of her friends was required). My response was to guffaw loudly at my computer screen and then reply sassily that no, I was not required to do anything in order to marry him and if they had tried to require me to do such I would have simply said...no. Well apologies for any sassiness. It comes out of even the best of times and I didn't mean any rudeness. However, in all seriousness, I have not signed any contract with the military. The only thing I've signed is my marriage certificate. The military is more than welcome to make any suggestions to me (or any other military spouse) about whatever its heart desires. However, I am not required to comply. I am not saying this out of sassiness. It's just a fact. And I think it unreasonable to be required to go through a training-session in order to marry my husband. Just saying. I can understand if you were displaying some behavior that would humiliate your husband among his fellow Marines or something like that. In that case, I think it would be reasonable for someone to take that person aside and just give them the facts. However, a required class is not...ehem...required.
Note: This is in no way discouraging military spouses from getting involved with other military spouses and military related events. Quite the contrary. I think to survive as a military spouse, you NEED to be around other military spouses. Your other friends are great too but very few are going to truly understand what you're going through when your husband is away for 6+ months. You need that support group. However, taking a class in order to get married (unless it's premarital counseling to strengthen your relationship and prepare you for MARRIAGE) is kind of ridiculous in my opinion. Again...this is all my opinion. You are allowed to disagree. But that's just me.
Which brings me to my next topic. There IS a lot of questions and mysteries surrounding families and deployments. So here is a Simply Guide to Deployment Return Etiquette (warning: may contain sassiness and should be taken with a grain of salt...or two):
1. If your son/daughter is returning from a deployment and they are married, DO NOT (I repeat), DO NOT arrive to "surprise" them on their return unless you are specifically asked. (And I do mean SPECIFIC. "Yeah it would be nice to see you at some point, mom and dad" is not at all specific. It is implying LATER ON. So take the hint. EMPHASIS: LATER ON.) You must think this one through: your son/daughter, although your child, is now a spouse first. No if, ands, or buts. FIRST. And your son/daughter has been away from their spouse for the past 6+ months. Give them a break and allow them some privacy. They will give you a call when they are ready. I promise. (And SPOUSES: DISCUSS this subject with your military member ahead of time. Don't do surprises. Surprise him with an xbox 360 or something, not the presence of family members. That is one thing you need to be clear with each other on. Who knows, they may want everybody there. But never, ever, ever, ever assume.)
2. And when I say give them a break, I'm not talking days. Do not insist on arriving days after they've returned home. This is unacceptable. Period. We are talking weeks, even months. Don't get it? Tell you what. Next time you and your spouse have some forced separation, we'll just skiddadle our little selves over to your house the day he/she returns and sit on your couch expecting to be entertained. Sound fun? Loads.
3. When you are given the green light to visit, unless specifically asked, staying for weeks and months at a time is completely inappropriate. Period.
4. No, your son/daughter cannot tell you everything that happened over there. And most likely they don't want to talk about much of it anyway. They've been away from home for 6+ months. They need time to process it and re-adjust to being home.
5. Unless specifically asked (see a trend here?), do not assume we're all going on a "big happy family vacation." VERY VERY often, even if the military member talked up traveling when they got back while they were still overseas, you will find they just want to stay home for awhile (by awhile, I mean months) before going anywhere. Again, they've been away from home for 6+ months. The thought of traveling again is probably not their favorite thing right now (*cough* since they just traveled half way around the world or more to get back *cough*).
Note: Every family is different. Hence all the "unless specifically asked"s. However, the thing to keep in mind is to not get your feelings hurt if things don't go exactly as your expecting/planned. Because most likely they are not going according to what your child was expecting/planning either.
Note 2: And yes, these are all situations that have happened (or are currently happening) before. I did not make any of this up. So please, please, please use a little bit of common sense.
Note 3: And I'm not writing this to just be a big sassy meany pants. Really, I'm not. But these are things that must be understood and accepted. If you don't like them, yet your child does request the space I've described above, please be considerate of your child's wishes and remember 1. they are an adult (I hope) 2. as much as you missed each other, you WILL be given your time together. But their time reconnecting with their spouse is very, very vital after that huge amount of absent time. Don't disagree with me. This is truth; plain, simply, and UNDEFEATED!!! Mwahaa...ehem. So yeah. Think and ask before booking any plane tickets. Or else.