Dear Daughter
Yes, I'm back in NC. My trip home was stressful but lovely at the same time. Having John there was more than I could have ever asked for.
Yes, I'm back in school. Classes began today and I'm both overwhelmed and excited.
Annnnd subject change...NOW.
I have a classmate who is convinced I am having a boy. Despite the ultrasound saying otherwise, he is still sure of this and was sure of it before the ultrasound as well...so much so that I almost hoped she would be a girl just to spite him. This whole experience has made me think of people who are told they are having one thing and then end up having another. I have a cousin whose girlfriend thought she was having a boy and out came a girl. It happens more than people think despite modern medicine.
I want a boy someday. I would have been equally thrilled if she had been a boy. I think at this point I would be shocked and a little in denial if she turned out to be a boy because I'm so used to thinking of her as a girl...in the same way I'd be shocked and a little in denial if I believed she had been a boy and she came out a girl. It's something to think about and makes me ponder how people get SO sure about things that only God knows for sure.
I went searching through some old notebooks this evening. I wanted to start keeping track of art I sell and commissions I do and I have a knack for buying and saving tons and tons of journals and notebooks with fun covers. This is not even mentioning sketchbooks. I was required to have one sketchbook for every class I had last semester (4) and I didn't have to buy any of them. I think I had about 8 just lying around, many of them hardly used. As far as journals and notebooks, I have about 7. And I've FORCED myself to NOT buy any more until I've used some up. So I thought using one for my art and commission records would be just the thing. While going through one candidate (because you can't just use a used journal for any purpose once it has been written in...it has to make sense...if you have the beginnings of stories or poetry in it, I feel like it's a crime to use it for anything other than creativity), I found some old writings from when I was 19 years old. A lot of it was just pointless notes I could throw away; bus schedules, budgets, bible verses, book titles, etc. I thought I had combed through it and found the empty pages when I discovered more writing at the back with empty pages in the middle of the book. I was shocked to find something at the back I hadn't thought about since probably the day I wrote it: A letter. But not just any letter. No, this was a very specific letter to a very specific person. It was a letter to my future daughter(s)...written when I was 19. (As I write this, my I-think girl gently but more vigorously boops and kicks in my stomach.) It was something precious that I had forgotten about. I could hardly believe it when I read it.
This is what it said:
My Daughter,
As I write this, I don't know your name or face or personality. I have never met you. But I love you more than I could explain audibly.
I look forward to the day when we are introduced. But until then I wait patiently, praying for you as often as possible and shaping you slowly into the beautiful, amazing woman you will become through my prayers.
Life will not always be easy, little one. And often, very often, you will wonder why. Is there any hope or purpose to this brief life we are given? Though you may doubt it in your frustration, the answer is YES. There is hope. There is a purpose. Not only does life have purpose but YOURS does.
You are beautiful. If there is only one thing I can teach you besides the love of God and the relationship He longs to have with you, it would be these three words. You are beautiful. No matter what the media says, no matter what people say, no matter how strange you think your body type is or whether you have facial hair or stretch marks...YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. I can never tell you this enough and I hope I will do you justice by letting you know this truth: You, my daughter, are beautiful, stunning, amazing, unique, forever original.
Long before I knew of you, God was creating you, designing every detail of your body, mind, and personality for not just one but EVERY stage of your life. And do you know what He did when He finished? He sat back and said, "Wow. Look at how wonderful she is. She's perfect, every detail exactly how I wanted her."
My sweet little girl, I cannot say I will be a perfect mother to you. I will make many mistakes. As will your father, whoever he may be. We are humans and no human being was ever perfect besides Jesus Christ. I wish I could be perfect, never let you down or hurt you. I have learned that although it is our instinct as people to want to depend completely on someone else...or no one at all...either way is unsuccessful. The only thing I can assure you will never let you down or hurt you or leave you...is the Lord. I know how tired you must be of hearing that. I know I am. But the more I run the more lovingly He holds me. He is the only way. No other person can ever make you complete. Only through Him can you be whole and be the best, become the best person you were made to be.
The Lord never made a mistake while he made me. I'm not always happy with who I am or how I look, but that is the result of the media and not doing what I know better to do. But you know what? I am perfect. My "flaws" as I see them are perfect and beautiful to God. This is me and this is how I was always planned to be before the beginning of time. And I am so beautiful. The curse of low self-esteem was passed to me from my mother who got it most likely from her mother. But you, sweetheart. You will not suffer from this curse as I did. I am going to do the best I can to cement you in your image, a good self-image that reflects what wonders God sees in you...not "flaws" the media claims you have. You have no flaws, little girl. YOU ARE PERFECT. Do not be prideful. You don't have to try to prove your beauty. It's already there for the world to see. A smile, a genuine, self-confident, happy, joyful smile is more stunning than any supermodel on any magazine cover. Remember that.
Never tear others down because of their appearance. Do not judge because of how people look. And if I do, tell me to stop! Look closely...sometimes the "plainest" looking people are the most beautiful jewels when given the time to show it. Don't judge before you know someone. You don't want people to do that to you. Believe me. I know and it's not a good feeling. I don't want that for you.
Always remember...I love you and am so proud of what you're going to become. You are so beautiful to me. Never forget that. And never forget to smile.
Love, Rachel Your Mom
Written: July 12, 2005, Age:19
It's something priceless. And it must be said that this was written at a very low point in my life. I did not feel beautiful and had a hard time seeing hope in the future. But I think God wanted me to write this...even if it was just for myself...even if my girl turns out to be a boy after all. There are words there that I needed at that moment in time...and even now.
I just wanted to share that. Hopefully someday my girl will hear what I needed to tell her...what I needed her to know.
Photo: Unknown found via Photo.net
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