Sleeping Awake

It's funny...even when my mom is here, I can't seem to go to bed at a decent hour. Yet I'm awake alone. She went to bed. And I appeared to go to bed...but couldn't yet. It's like I'm leading a double life. A harmless double life. Mostly harmless. Douglas Adams.
This is the first time I've looked at my blog in...well since the last post. Which isn't normal. But I've been busy.
Having a great time with my mom. It's just like old times and we are not wasting any of it. Not in the least. I can't say we've wasted even an hour. We've filled every moment with things to do and time together. Which makes me fear how lonely I will feel when she leaves. Having my mom here is a great distraction from how much I miss John...but when she leaves I will be faced with that reality again. And although I hoped her visit would make me stronger, I worry it will leave me sad and afraid and lonely. But I guess I can't think like that, can I. I have adored every moment of her being here. It's like having your best friend over. For a week. With that entire week dedicated ONLY to hanging out together. Only better. Because they've known you LITERALLY your entire life. Your whole existence. It makes me smile just thinking about it.
An odd thing has happened while she has been here. Time has warped and although John wrote only 4 days ago...it feels like 4 years. And I suddenly feel neglected...which I suspect is an emotional response/defense that I cannot control in anticipation of her leaving and the loneliness that will follow. I only hope a letter or email awaits me...soon. I hate the guessing game. And I hate the deployment-everything-must-break-and-go-wrong game too. That one can burn itself.
Well...I think I truly will go to bed now...shame on me for being up this late.