Positive

I've come across a phenomenon. At first I thought it was only within my own family. And then I slowly noticed a trend in a certain age group. An entire generation, it seems. Here's what I've discovered: my mom's generation was somehow brainwashed (or brainwashed itself) into feeling horrible about themselves and condemning themselves as fat and ugly when they are neither.
I just argued with someone my mom's age about image and everything that came out of her mouth was self-loathing and put-downs about her body and herself. EVERY WORD. There's something WRONG with that picture.
I've struggled with self image issues most of my life. I grew up in China where the only clothes that fit me were usually XL and above. However, I was never overweight or even chubby the entire time I lived there. Asian clothes just don't fit white girls with hips. My mom has always put herself down. Always. Let me repeat that. ALWAYS. Any time I ever mention my mom and dieting in the same sentence to any of my friends they give me a dumbfounded look and exclaim "But she's TINY!!" And this is the truth. She is. In all honesty, I don't know if my mom has ever been truly "overweight." I blame a lot of her bad self esteem on bad fashion of the 80's and 90's (elastic waist pants? really?) that made EVERYONE look unsightly no matter how small you were (NOT HER FAULT), not being able to find clothes that fit in China (and wearing XL's as well), and something else. Something I can't put my finger on. But it seems to be a trend within her generation and frankly...I love you mom...but it makes me sick. I'm TIRED of hearing about how ugly or fat or overweight or chubby or flabby or WHATEVER the hell you want to call it everyone is. Not just her. Everyone. I'm sick of it. Because the more I hear it, the more I fall into wondering if it's true about me too. "What if it is?" I'm TIRED. OF. IT.
Mom's. Do you hear yourselves? And do you ever think about your daughters? What are you saying to them when you put yourself down? Most commonly little girls think their mothers are the most beautiful, glamorous person. They/WE want to be just like you. We play dress up in your clothes and get into your makeup long before we're allowed to wear it. We want to BE you. And we know...and hope...that someday we WILL grow up to be just like mommy. What do you think you're saying to us when you say "I look so fat and ugly!" Do I really have to spell it out for you? What you're saying is "You are fat and ugly." Yes. It's true. You're saying this to your DAUGHTER. And you're teaching us to feel this way about ourselves. If mom is fat and ugly, I must be too. I'm her daughter, right? Right.
I don't know where this all is coming from. Maybe it's just people getting older. Maybe it's some weird phase from your generation. I have NO idea honestly. But it has to stop. NOW.
Every single time my mom says something to down herself (which is often) I feel that twinge of remembrance. I'm not over this...but for the first time in my life, I do feel beautiful and sexy and comfortable in my own body. And when I hear that negativity, it brings me back to the way it was before...when I thought I was severely overweight when I never was. When I thought I was ugly and no boy could possibly like me back and my husband (if I ever got married) would surely be disappointed in me. I'm not making this crap up. They're all true thoughts that ran through my head.
I know your husbands aren't planting this into your head. At least mostly not. My dad has always raved about my mom and truly to this day believes she is the most beautiful woman. Why can't she see it too? I can see it. He can see it. But she can't.
This is my hope: that someday when I give birth to a little girl of my own, I WILL be able to beat this cycle. I WILL be able to show her that I am comfortable with who I am and how I look. I WILL be able to tell her she's BEAUTIFUL and have her believe me. I WILL be able to show her in my very posture that I am confident and not bound by these ridiculous demands to be a size zero. I WILL show her that I'm happy with who I am and she should be too.
This is my hope.
Yes, I am fully capable of knocking myself to the ground. I know all the words, all the games, I know it all. I'm a master of self conscious hatred. I've done it all before. But I do have a choice. And my decision is NO. I'm not going to dwell on all the things I'm lacking or the areas I don't like about myself. When you see a piece of artwork or hear a piece of music, do you dwell on all the flaws or things that COULD have been done better? Or do you actually LISTEN and open your eyes and SEE...and approve of what you are hearing or what you are beholding instead of tearing it down. It's a choice. It's a decision.
I've decided to be okay with myself. Even when I don't really feel all that wonderful, I still make a point to try to think POSITIVE. All I can do is try. And thankfully God has blessed me with a wonderful man who just happens to think I am the hottest thing since the invention of...well...anything. And no. I'm not a size 6. Or 8. Or 10 even. I'm a 12. And I've come to terms with the fact that no, it is not physically possible for me to ever be a size 4. But you know what? I'm entirely okay with that. I have kicking curves. So deal with it.
I saw this secret on Post Secret tonight. And it says exactly what I feel. I cannot live worrying that someone out there doesn't think I'm perfect in every way. Because I'm NOT. And who are they to decide?
That's my rant for tonight.
Goodnight.