Tech Support 101

I worked in Tech Support until a few months ago and I decided recently that enough time has passed and it is time to share a little of my experience. It's definitely a wild world, Tech Support. All those unrestrained brides, frolicking free on the internet, ready to take you out at a moments notice with their gnashing teeth and their caps locks. You get some of the strangest, most random and completely unrelated requests and questions. As the years have passed, I've found I audibly speak to my computer while responding to said requests more and more. Usually I verbally say the things I WISH I could type but must refrain from typing for the simple fact of keeping my job. But since I no longer have this job, I see no harm in sharing some of my favorite moments in Tech Support:

First off, an example of my above half spoken/have typed conversations. The typed portion will be in quotes. The spoken portion is not.

"Hi enternamehere, currently we have no way to track the location of everyone who views your website" without completely hacking their computer and invading their privacy...what, you think that's fine? Invading people's privacy? Seriously? Why don't we just install some cameras in their homes while we're at it. Sound good? "or signify which views are from you or your mom" YOUR MOM! "however this is a good idea and I will add it to our list of suggestions "even though it will NEVER happen because it's a ridiculous idea.

There you have it. Contrary to popular belief, international users are a lot easier to understand than Americans. Americans are by FAR the hardest people to deal with in Tech Support. You'd THINK having grown up speaking English from birth they'd be able to create a structured sentence and communicate their need. But ohhhhhhhhh no. They just let themselves get beat out by all the English-as-a-second-language speakers. Seriously Americans. They are KICKING your ass. It's really pathetic. By 'it's' I of course mean you. The second-language speakers are awesome because they identify their problem, explain what they are experience and provide the information I need to look up their account and fix it. Simple! Even in the BROKEN-EST English, it's understandable.
"My name Fifi99. No picture? Wanting gallery to sharing with many friends." There you have it. We know EXACTLY what this person is experiencing (pictures aren't showing up) and where it's taking place (the galleries page) as well as her username (Fifi99). Americans provide me with messages like the following...and this is NOT exaggerating. This is the ENTIRE message. NO other information provided. And they usually forget to enter their names too...wow:

"It's not working." It. It? The WHOLE website? One page? Your brain? WHAT are we talking about here?! DETAILS people!!!

"The page isn't working." Okay. At least we narrowed it down to a page. But you do realize we have around 20 pages, right? And by "not working" do you mean you failed to turn it on or write anything on it? Because yeah...obviously it's "not working" there, genius.

"WHY IS MY NAME SHOWING UP IN THE FIELDS IT SHOULD BE EMPTY FOR MY GUESTS HELP HELP CALL ME" Okay. First of all, caps lock OFF. Second, learn sentence structure and punctuation. Thirdly, I am NOT calling you. Fourth, your name is showing up because you are LOGGED IN. When your guests visit your site, it's blank. And even if that were the case (which it is NOT), are your guests clueless enough that if they see a form stating "Leave a message for the couple!" and then notice that the name field occupies your name as the bride, they won't know enough to change it to their OWN name since YOU are the couple and THEY are the guests and THEY are leaving a message for YOU as stated above?? AHHHHH!!!!

"I followed your directions but it's still not working." Funny...cuz I just checked your account and you followed ZERO of my instructions and if by "it's not working" you mean your ability to follow simple instructions, you are entirely correct. It's going to continue "not working" until you learn that simple lesson. And if you DID follow my directions (which you didn't) and it still somehow wasn't working, telling me "it's not working" is not informing me exactly what you are experiencing so I 1. know what to look for and 2. can identify why it's not working for real. So thanks for ALL the detailed input. Sarcasm, sarcasm.

True story:
2:30 "How do I change my font?"
2:32 "Hello? I want to change my font. How do I do it?"
2:33 "Does anyone even work here? No one is answering me. I want to change font."
2:34 "PLEASE CALL ME, it a emergency. I want to change font and can't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
2:36 "WHY DON'T YOU WRITE BACK I NEED HELP"
And all these are received on a Sunday......in a word...WOW. Yeah sorry I don't LIVE at work. The best part? Changing your font isn't an option to begin with. Priceless. And you're welcome.

"I like the tools offered on The Knot so much better than this website and their designs are cooler too and I like the RSVP feature better. You should change yours. Can you change it to be like the Knot? I think you should make it so that all the RSVP responses are public so everyone can read them." You know what? Then GO TO THE KNOT!!!! WE DON'T CARE!!!!! This is a FREE service! If you want to pay for your website with less features, bad designs and best of all A PRICE TAG then by ALL MEANS PLEASE go to another service provider. And seriously?? You want all your RSVP responses public? ALL of them? Even this one? "Jim and I will be attending. So excited for you guys!! Btw, is cousin Jane going? God, I hate her. I know you probably have to invite her anyway because she's family but PLEASE don't seat us at the same table. I'm sure you remember what happened at Aunt Doris' 60th birthday party. LOL!" Yeah...that's what I thought.

Note: The above message is not real.....but it is a very real example of hundreds of similar RSVP responses I've seen before that brides WANT to make public for all to read. NOT a good idea.

"Music like a world."................poetic but....okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...?

1st email "Hi, my name is Janice and I have an account but can't login. Please help me! Sincerely, Beatrice."
2nd email "Thanks so much for your help! It worked! Sincerely, Elizabeth." Seriously...PICK a name and stick with it. This is getting wayyyy too confusing.

"Actually I was able to add the bling text I was looking for. You may not know it but there are quite a few websites out there that will generate glitter text that you can paste/embed into a text field FYI. I have to have glitter text because I am fancy like that ;)" Actually...you're kind of being a tacky smartass. If you want your guests to go into seizure induced convulsions and stop taking your wedding seriously within the first 3 seconds of loading your wedding website, by all means. Yes, you can add whatever you want to your site using html. Heck you could probably add a singing whale to your site. But it doesn't mean we OFFER it as a publicized feature. You are EXACTLY why we do not offer "glittery" graphic-y text and elements to the site. Because someone would stumble upon your site, see your headache-inducing graphics and completely disregard our website due to the fact that your site is the epitome of tacky. P.S. The fact that you are a GUY with a need to be "fancy" while you are marrying a girl concerns me. But that's just me. Carry on.

Oh yeah...another thing that always baffles me is when people write back and act as if my response to their question was a stab in the dark rather than what it is: THE ANSWER TO THEIR QUESTION. Like I toiled and troubled all night and thought "well maybe this will work..." When in reality...it's just simply the answer to their question. It's very mysterious. They say things like "It worked! Thanks for the suggestion!" Uh...it wasn't a suggestion. It was simply the ANSWER to the question you ASKED. It is HOW you do what you wanted to do. I did not suggest anything. And of course it worked. Is having things work for you some new and strange experience?

"Verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood." Why thank you.

And there you have it people...a little window into the shiny, colorful world of Tech Support at its finest. I could go on and on and talk about the threats and profanity, the hacked sites, the endless nonsense emails asking for advice in seeking a wife, the crazy ex battles to either keep up or take down their wedding website, the requests to change the bride or groom's name on the site because they 1. spelled it wrong or 2. are changing it entirely because they either hadn't FOUND a bride or groom yet or decided to marry someone else (awkward!), and of course let's not forget the messages requesting that I proofread their wedding website and redesign it myself. On a whole, I had a blast doing Tech Support and the craziness only added to the fun of it. I do miss it despite the insanity and random fits of rage it would induce but I've moved on and life is good.

I cannot close this post without at least mentioning the awesome times I had as well. The brides and grooms that would write just to thank us for a wonderful site and service, the genuinely appreciative couples when an issue was solved, the people I just CLICKED with over email and would have loved to become BFF's with if it was possible to do so and remain professional, the un-computer-savvy moms trying desperately to find their son or daughter's site and their gratefulness to get pointed in the right direction, and all the situations when there really was a big problem and I could fix it and ease the stress of one more bride out there. Those and more made it ALL worth it.

Note: While all of these are examples of REAL experiences and situations, names and details have been changed to protect peoples' privacy. And self-esteem.
Note 2: Yes, I know I sound crabby and snooty and GRRR in this post. But in all fairness, doing Tech Support made me into a different person. Not a person I liked very much. I would sometimes have to walk away from my computer for a few minutes just to FUME before I continued to respond to Tech Support emails because I was scared I would snap and just GO OFF at some poor bride who had some innocent question about photo placement or color scheme. And I really didn't want to do that and squelch someone's genuine excitement just because a bridezilla before her had to go and ruin my day. We're talking unpredictable anger outbursts. So...as much as I miss that job...do I miss the me that evolved during that time? Not a bit. Yay for HAPPY RACHEL!

Photo: Unknown found via The Frisky