Big Dreamer

It's been one of those days where I wanted to reach out and grab people and shake them by the collars of their shirts. But I was good. I refrained. Thankfully, it ended well with a good movie and friend and tasty dinner. :)
I'm registered and completely paid for my second Semester and it is going to be a hard one. But a good one. I'm taking around 16 credits and am strangely pumped to get started...even though I haven't finished the first one. I blame this one my placing into a higher math than I was supposed to take next Semester because I passed the placement test and I'm still feeling like I can take on the world. Just throw two English classes, Astronomy + lab, Figure Drawing and Math at me and I'm sure I'll come down to earth. I hope it's not a rough landing.
My birthday was fantabulous. I spent the day in Wilmington with five fine ladies (a few who planned to attend couldn't make it) sipping tea and eating scones and being complete ladies and then later cheering on some serious ass-beatings at the roller derby match. I'll say this: I'm in love. If I could strap on some skates and go out there today, I'd do it. Which may not be all that unrealistic but more on that later. ;) The home teams were the Black Harrts and the All-Stars of the Cape Fear Roller Girls. Their competitors were Palmetto State and the Carolina Roller Girls. Both competitors brought a good fight and completely whooped our butts (I think "smeared across the pavement" is a better term for what Carolina Roller Girls did) but it was awesome to watch and experience. I'd go back ANY day. I had lots of laughs, good conversation, and just over-all goodness on my birthday and only cried (for about 20 seconds max) once. What can I say..."It's my party and I'll cry if I want to." I guess that's all I can say but in my defense...I usually cry at least once on or around my birthday. It's just nature. Even though I love my birthday. Hopefully there will be no tears next year.
I'm officially a year older, ringing in at the big 2-5. I had an OVERWHELMING downpour of love on facebook from everyone I loved. It was truly, truly overwhelming and I was seriously blessed and touched by it all. Sometimes I wish people could be that nice every day!
So here I am...25 and 16 pounds away from my current weight goal (down another 1.5 pounds as of this morning!) and ready to take on the world with my new hair and new (when I get them) bad-ass nerd glasses. I'm going to try to get as much done as I can school-wise before John gets back and it'll definitely make the time pass quicker as well. And you know what? I can feel myself growing up. Not in the boring "now, now...no humor in here!" way but just an overall realization that I'm...older...and maybe I will want "older" things for myself soon. One thing is for sure: I can feel God pulling on my heartstrings and it's strong. And I'm tired of running. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of building these walls that I deny as I lay each frustrating brick. I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to find that part of myself that used to be there that was hungry for more. Give me death over complacency. There's so much more to life than what I'm living. And I know that'll be so hard for some to understand...but it's the gospel truth. And I will rediscover it. Because I found it before. I never lost it. It's still there...I'm just a stubborn mule sometimes and like to stay angry.
I have big dreams. That's hard for me to admit sometimes. I'm afraid to dream. But I realized it yesterday: I DO have big dreams. This tugging at my heart wasn't a mistake. My problem is I lack the courage needed to face those dreams and call them my own. But this year marks the beginning of the beginning. No more making excuses.
God, give me the courage I need to do what you want me to do, to be who you want me to be.
I'm out to discover just what that Rachel is capable of. Strap on your knee-pads, world.
P.S. This year marks my years lived in the US surpassing the years lived in China...for the first time. A little sad...and a little bit in denial about it. But I know God's got other things up his sleeve.