Burn

I've been productive the past few days. It's weird. But awesome. I go through waves of productivity throughout the day. Thankfully, instead of getting on the computer or sleeping during one of my lulls, I decided to bite the bullet and start de-cluttering our bedroom. Our bedroom = clutter. There is not a surface in there that is not covered in clutter. It seriously stresses me out. Which is oh-so-healthy for when you're about to go to sleep. Haha...sighhhhhh. Anyway, I got to work de-cluttering. And I have to say I got a really good start. I started a new bag of donations (which always has me excited...nothing makes me feel more productive than giving old crap away that someone else might want/need/use) and in the process of digging through my mound of pointlessness, I found an old prayer journal. I used to keep a very dedicated prayer journal daily. This one was from 2005 and 2006. I couldn't stop myself from reading through a large portion of it. It felt like a whole different life. And I remembered something in that particular journal was special and important...but I couldn't remember what exactly. I'm not sure if I found what I initially considered important but I did find one page that was extremely profound. It said so much about one of the darkest points in my life and surviving by far my worst relationship. I decided this journal could not be thrown away. It needed to be burned. Now that might sound a little overly melodramatic. But that's not what it was at all...I just felt like...it was time to fully let go of it. Of all of it. It had haunted me for long enough. I saved the page that had some meaning to be for one reason: I believe it could be insightful for my kids someday, to know that I DO know what I'm talking about when I caution them about relationships. As much as past relationships hurt, I hope they will be a tool to help my kids be wise in their choices.
One thing that really struck me about this whole journal that I hadn't thought about before is how incredibly dedicated I was to praying daily. I seriously miss that and am ashamed it's no longer a part of my routine. That must change. It also really made me think about how things could have turned out if I HADN'T been so enveloped in prayer. It was entirely a mess of a situation. But had I not included God in the picture and sought him for help, I have no doubt it would have been a matter of me going through a terrible first marriage with the wrong person. NO doubt about it. I'm SO thankful for where God has taken me, far from where I began.
So I wanted to share a few lines from the page I saved:
"Please just let me forget him except for what you've taught me through this. I've learned that love isn't sudden...that rushing is always bad. I learned that family was so much more important to me than I thought. I learned that no relationship can survive if you aren't the beating center for both people. I learned that I have to surrender all to you. I learned so much, I could go on for pages and days. Thank you for all you're doing in my life and the people around me."
This was written in a very, very dark moment of my life. But somehow I was able to see that God was there working in me and around me. And looking back today, I see his hand on me all the way. I couldn't have done it without him. And I still couldn't survive today without him. I think I've let myself forget the good things I gleaned from that relationship and all I could remember was the bad things which haunted me and wouldn't let me rest. Even rereading that journal was hard. It reminded me of things I forgot...of my ex-fiance thinking there was something terribly WRONG with me. And of me searching desperately for what that was so I could fix it. This page reminded me of what I needed to remember about the relationship...and it's the ONLY souvenir I'll be keeping. The rest can burn.
After removing the page, I decided the journal needed some closure. I had let go long ago, but it was time for the journal to go away and my heartbreaking handwritten words rest. John did yard work in the evening while I watched the pages burn and it was peaceful. There is something so profound about burning something that has worth and weight. My words and heartache had worth and weight. It was amazing to see the vast difference of my life then and my life now and how greatly God has blessed me and changed me. I could never ask for a more wonderful, caring, loving, and kickass husband. And even though I want to take the military by the collar and shake it sometimes, I couldn't ask for a better life either.
So this chapter is closed. You will not haunt me any longer. Goodbye.

Photo: Meself