Bloodless

I dreamt I joined the military by accident. This is my second dream about doing this. Everyone had to get hooked up to bags of blood which you then tucked in the back of your pants and went on your merry way. I figured that the blood would "go bad" since it wasn't temperature controlled...and as it turned out only MINE went bad. So they had to do it again. I was just in the process of explaining how horribly terrified I am of bloodtests and anything related to blood to the guy who was supposed to do it for me (and John was NOT AT ALL encouraging in my dream) when I woke up. Needless to say, I don't want to join the military...especially if it's by accident.
I know what this all stemmed from. I currently have a huge bruise on my arm from a bloodtest I had recently. Only...they were never able to get any blood. I think I must have had quite possibly the worst nurse or lab tech...ever. EVER. Not only did she forget something right before she started...she also almost forgot to WASH HER FRIGGIN HANDS. Am I still in a third world country? Nah...they'd know enough to do that there. So...yeah...before hand I let her know that this was my greatest fear...EVER. She chirpily said "Well I haven't lost a patient yet!" (sooo encouraging...are you kidding me?) "Whenever I have to deal with someone who doesn't like this sort of thing, I always ask them what they're having for dinner!" I told her I had no idea what I was having for dinner (probably because my thought process hadn't gotten past this event of my day/week/month). And that was it. Silence. She didn't make any effort to continue a conversation. I was met with the terrifying silence of a cold hospital room *shudder* as she proded my arm, looking for a good vein. I've never been so frustrated. Every nurse/doctor/lab tech I've ever dealt with talked with me while they took my blood to keep my mind off of it. That's what they're supposed to do. That's the whole POINT. But no. She was silent. So I made an effort. I began asking her question after question to keep from feeling like I would pass out and was met with short, incomplete sentances. I wanted to strangle her with the tournequit and say "DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THIS IS HORRIFYING FOR ME?? ARE YOU A COMPLETE IDIOT?? HAVE YOU NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE OR SOMETHING?? WHAT THE CRAP!!!!!" But I didn't. I waited patiently until the first horrible prick...and then waited for it to be over. But it wasn't over. She poked me again. And again...annndd again. But not one right after the other. Oh no. Long pauses inbetween...to give the illusion that she was being successful in her mission of getting my blood. Which she wasn't. She began asking me "Are you okay?" in a sickeningly sweetsy voice that made me want to punch her. At one point when she asked me I told her I'd rather be swimming with sharks right then than being there and having that experience. There are several rules in the department of taking blood and giving shots. They apply to both squeamish and unsqueamish people.
1. Never discuss needles.
2. Never discuss blood or veins.
3. NEVER ask if the patient is ok. This gives the impression that you aren't sure if you're DOING okay...which makes the patient doubt your ability. And in this case rightly so. I forgot to mention before she began she announced to me that she was using a very small needle if that mattered. Big no no. Rule #1 has been compromised. After repeatedly asking me if I was okay (probably because I was growing paler and paler) she announced she was dealing with a very little vein and was not able to get any blood. I blinked. Rule #2 has been compromised. Not able to get any blood. Not able to get any blood? You've stabbed me 4 times, lady, and there's no blood? Scoop it into a cup for heaven's sake!!! I know for a FACT you've made me bleed because you're wiping at my arm with a fury. But somehow...in the midst of maming me...you can't get a friggin tube of blood?
Side note: it must be said that I have excellent veins for drawing blood. Every doctor, nurse, lab tech, heck my best friend who is a nurse...they all have told me that I have great veins. I've NEVER had a problem. NO one has ever struggled to find a vein, let alone successfully draw from it. This was not the case with this lady...horror of all horrors. So Rule #1 and #2 have been compromised and we all know #3 was compromised...so what the crap? Where did she go to school? I SO badly wanted to turn to her and say "Have you done this before?" and if she said yes tell her "I would have never known...if I had to guess, I'd guess this was your first friggin time." After finally removing the needle and pressuring my vein and wiping it to kingdom come like I was in the process of bleeding to death, she finally bandaged me off and announced she would get another tube to try again but she had to go help someone else first. If there was a Rule #4 this would be it: NEVER leave a patient until you are FINISHED with a DARN procedure. In fact, I'll impliment it right now. Rule #4...clearly compromised. I told her "Can we do this some other day?" and her chirpy obnoxia returned as she said "Of course, honey!" and twiddled out of the room. I emediately put my legs in the air to drain some blood to my head to keep myself from passing out. That's when the tears began. You can call me a sissy but I loathe...no not loathe...there would have to be a stronger word to describe how much I HATE and am HORRIFIED of blood tests. And that's when they go well. I've never had one NOT go well...so this was like my worst nightmare times 10. After what seemed like forever, she returned and probably after seeing my face, she said "I think we should try this another day because I think if I tried again, you'd get upset." Right lady...you think I'm not already upset? You do crack or something? You OBVIOUSLY don't do heroine or else you'd be better at this. I finally was able to escape that horrible horrible blue and maroon room of terror and I cried (and swore) the whole way home. Thankfully my mom had driven with me and was able to drive home cuz there's no way in hell I was about to drive anywhere.
I'm still baffled by the entire experience. And I'm so friggin frustrated. I did SO flippin well. I built up my courage and I did my very best to not freak out or stress right before it happened. I think I did a darn good job at facing my fear and keeping calm. And then it all went to hell in a handbasket and I have a huge friggin bruise for NOTHING. I didn't even accomplish what needed to be done. And it's been 3 days and it still hurts to type.
The moral of the story...if there is one: I am NEVER letting Gloria touch me again.