Currently...

Currently, my room smells like freshly cut grass. I have a candle that smells JUST like freshly cut grass. It makes me happy.
I am trying not to think about this but it has come up regardless...that I am going to miss my family a lot when I move. Sometimes the scared little girl inside of me peeps out a "don't leave! stay here!" or "make it last forever here and now!" and then I realize...even if that's what I truly wanted (which it isn't) I wouldn't be able to accomplish such a great feat. Has anyone? Nah...and if they did, they'd regret it. I know this much to be true. Really.
I'm a mama's girl. And that's the biggest, scariest thing for me. How much I'm going to miss my mom. And I know how retarded that sounds to read or even hear out loud...but the truth is...my mom is more than my mom. She's my best friend. And it's like moving away from my best friend all over again. I just keep reminding myself I'm moving WITH my best friend TOO and visiting my other best friend isn't optional and losing touch is out of the question...but it still is a difficult thought. Because I've said goodbye to best friends too many times. And this is one best friend I never wanted to say goodbye to. Or live far away from.
And I'm scared. I'm scared John won't understand when I'm crying like a baby in the car at the beginning of our trip. I'm scared we WILL lose touch. I'm scared it'll be awkward the next time I see her...just like growing apart from best friends feels. I'm somehow scared John will lose respect for me through it all. Or I'll lose respect for myself.
Currently, I'm pondering all these things...and feel a little silly. And then I slap myself and remind myself not to feel silly. Because my mom is my best friend...and my best friend is my mom. Is anyone as blessed to have such an awesome relationship with their mother? I can't wait to have a daughter of my own to be best friends with. And the three of us can hang out.
I also know that this is the way things are...and things are changing for good...but my relationship with my mom isn't going to fizzle because of a few thousand miles. And the only silliness here is me even worrying about it.
A friend once told me she wondered when she would feel like a grown up...when she turned 21 or when she got married or when she had her first child...she was in her later 40's when she told me this and she said she still didn't truly feel "grown up." I hope I'm always privileged with such a marvelous feeling. "Growing up" is boring.