2004: Summary Conclusion

I guess I somewhat went on to live a normal life at this point. Or at least a life not plagued so much by culture shock. At least, I don't remember it that way. But there are themes that suggest all was not peace and daisies. A theme of desperately needing friendship (remember? I came out of my college experience with virtually noone) and then retreating inward and resorting to antisocial behavior when I'd quickly find how DIFFERENT people were from me, how out of place my true self felt and, in all honesty, was (and those who did try to keep in touch from college, I never gave the chance to truly know me, shooting myself in the foot). 

Over the next few years a few key things happened: 

- I learned to drive which, in America, is a game-changer, and eventually got my own car

- I got in a very unhealthy relationship, got engaged in 5 minutes and then finally, God broke me free

- I found steady employment, and eventually found my favorite job on craigslist

- I connected with a church group, and for the first time in this country (outside of college), felt like I made some actual real friends...another game-changer

- Never stopped drawing or writing and gradually did some more painting but was never real happy with my work

- Dreamed of going back to school, art school, but my large amount of debt kept me in bondage

Even now, after the story is mostly over, I can't help still puzzling over it. It is still an open wound, and I still struggle to understand the complicated feelings associated with it. It is its own kind of heartbreak. Much has faded due to time and distance. But I must not mistaken that for healing. That's why I'm here, digging deeper, stirring the still waters, trying to unpack all the unmarked boxes left in the attic. It's difficult business but necessary. So necessary. 

The last thing I guess I need to say for now is...the whole experience of growing up overseas sets you up for a completely unique identity. Will you feel bound to your motherland? Maybe. Maybe not. Will you accept the ideals of your parents' culture or perhaps the one you live in? Neither? All are possible outcomes. Will you find yourself attracted or repelled by the people and culture of your temporary "home?" Maybe both at different times for various reasons.

Will explaining any of it ever be simple? In a word, NEVER. I will expand that more but the short of it is I find the exhaustion of explaining sometimes more effort than it is worth and often opt for a way-watered-down response instead. No one knows how redundant and monotonous and obnoxious clueless assumptions are until they are doused with them. Just admit and accept that you do not understand where I'm coming from and it will all be alright. I am more than eager to admit the same of myself! I do not understand American culture. I missed large chunks of pop cultural references, eras, movies, music, etc. I never saw that show, heard that song, or owned that thing. What I did experience was absorbed through the filter that is my unique perspective and reference point. And I lived to tell the tale.