Forward

My community college has a horrible habit of waiting until 5 minutes before the following semester to post grades. I know it isn't the teachers' fault because I know for a fact they post them a certain date and the school simply doesn't release them until WAY too late. Thankfully, I finally got a hold of mine.
Now, I KNOW that community college is easier than going to a university or 4-year college. I know this because I've been to a university. I know the expectation is higher and the work load is usually heavier. With that being said and now that we're all clear I KNOW the difference between a 4-year institution of learning and a community college...I made straight A's and my GPA is higher than I ever imagined it would be. As surprising as this is to me (I never really cared about grades when I was younger and didn't really TRY my hardest in school...now I am definitely putting in effort and I care), I keep reminding myself it is community college...but that doesn't keep me from being very humbled, very proud, and feeling very, very blessed for having some amazing instructors who see potential in me that I don't think I could see even as short as a year ago.
The truth is (and this might be old hat for a lot of people but sometimes it's still a surprise and news to me)...(did I just say old hat?) is I have a very twisted view of myself. I've grown out of a lot of my insecurities or have just learned to look past them. But I've realized the past year just how much I really despised myself over the years...and for no apparent reason. I suspect it stems back to a particular ex (not JUST him of course...a lot of this is just me believing lies about myself...but he was a contributing factor!) which is why you should always be very careful who you date; you don't know how they are going to change your life...for the better or for the worse. This particular person has taken a very long time to overcome...and I don't in any way mean "get over." It was more like...he possessed a part of me. And being unable to regain that part, I felt bound to him no matter how much I fought to escape. Suddenly, my every movements could be seen through his eyes...and I didn't like what I saw of myself. It came down to hating the way I walked, the way I talked, thinking I was an overall idiot. Which I'm not. This originally all happened back in 2005/2006. I has taken me nearly 6 years to grow past these hurts. And earlier this year I made a lot of progress with the help of God, my wonderful counselor Iris, and some sentimental burning of journal pages (and I could have sworn I wrote a blog post about it...but of course now I cannot for the life of me find it...oh well...it's probably for the best for now).
Of course, John helped me get past a huge portion of this odd self-hating just in the way he selflessly loves me. But it amazed me how these things would still surface even after being happily married for several years. There is a quote on a door in my counselor's office and it goes something like this: People are deep wells that no one can see the bottom of...one can only imagine what is down there by what comes floating to the surface. And this is very, very true to so many people. Because of the lies I've believed about myself for so long, I let those things block what my true potential could be. I was terrified to go back to school...because I was sure I would fail. Not in grades...but just fail in general. And it wasn't until I recognized how utterly ridiculous that fear was that I was able to go ahead and go through the process of applying and registering for classes. Here I am over a year later. I survived. In fact, I'm doing much better than surviving despite a deployment, a pregnancy, and everything else that has crossed my path with a challenge.
I guess what I'm getting at is...I've grown. And I'm so thankful. It's still a daily struggle to stop the self-critical thoughts...which I'm sure a lot of classmates would find hilariously ironic. But I've been delivered such a long way from where I was and I know God is with me and will continue to carry me as long as I am willing. And I am.
On a side note, in my search for the "perfect" photo for this post, I ran across the one above and I truly find it breath-taking. It is by the ever-so-talented Jasper James and I really love his work and am so glad I just ran across it. It speaks volumes and his series of "city silhouettes" are just beautiful. You can see his personal site below.

Photo: Jasper James found via Feature Shoot