All By Myself

I feel alone. Yes, my husband is gone. But I feel alone. For other reasons. It's the scary realization when you realize...I don't really have anyone that I could call in the middle of the night if I needed to. There's a few that come to mind. But it's the realization that I am seriously lacking friends. Good, old-fashioned BFFs. What's with that?
I feel like I keep meeting new people only to find that I spend most of my time listening to drama stories and gossip about people I don't know nor care to know gossip about. I think there's two maybe three directions of energy when it comes to friends. There are friends who need you which requires you to give energy to. Then there are friends who you need and that requires them giving their energy to you. Lastly, there's the friends where it goes both ways. You pick each other up when you're down and support each other. Annnnddddd it's those friends I'm lacking. The latter two. I think about my birthday and wonder what the heck I'd want to do because I don't HAVE many friends that genuinely make me feel GOOD when I'm around them. A good friend (who lives far, far away...they all live far, far away!!) just celebrated her birthday and had a wonderful party full of amazing people who adore her. Anddddd when I think about myself, all the people I think of who I know are the types of people who just make me feel alive...well they don't live here. All of my closest friends live so far away.
And so far the people I really feel a connection to...are my instructors!! My freaking instructors at school who are my superiors and as long as they are MY instructors, we can't really, truly be friends. Not REAL friends.
I feel alone!! I really do. I feel like I'm stuck in this eternal cycle of purging myself of unhealthy relationships to meet new people who turn out to be MORE unhealthy relationships and so on and so forth. John is my best friend, hands down. My mom is someone I'm closer to than almost anyone. My friend Jenna is the friend that I've stayed the closest with all these years. She knows me inside and out. We HAVE that friendship I crave and need right now. So why can't there be more Jennas in the world? Does being married mean you are incurably lonely in all your other relationships? Because that seems like the weirdest irony ever. The military doesn't help. Granted. But this is bigger than John being away.
I miss my relatives. I miss my cousins who are as close as sisters. I miss all of these things and more that I can't even put into words. And the clincher is I DON'T know how to fix it. I DON'T know where they keep all the awesome friend-to-bes. I DON'T know if there's a cure. But I know I can't continue with the self-destructive friendships I'm skimming by. And being pregnant does NOT make this any easier. At all. And with that...I'm off. (I know...talk about a depressing post with a depressing ending.)