Christmas Under Pressure

I'm feeling much less overwhelmed. And it helps that it's Friday. :)
I've been careful to take advantage of every second I've had. I finished putting my screen film on the garage door window so I don't have to worry about anyone staring in at my cars. I made cookies last night. I cleaned the bathroom. I packed. I wrapped presents. I cleaned the kitchen and then re-cleaned the kitchen after baking.
Last night, I went to our Return & Reunion Brief for the guys' return from Iraq with Monique. Neither of us really knew what to expect but kind of anticipated it would be lame and mostly information we already knew. It was a little better than I expected which I was glad about. Most everything I already knew but having discussions helped me realize...I'm not going crazy. My emotional breakdowns and anger fests are all naturally part of this whole process. Still doesn't make them necessarily OKAY...but it helps me feel a lot less crazy and not worry as much that I'm falling into the depths of depression. Because I'm not. I've been perfectly happy the past few days. We all have those low moments. The brief also helped me think a lot more realistically about John's return. It's not necessarily going to be a moment out of a movie. And it's going to be weird the first few weeks he's back. Getting back into routine will be odd. But we can do this. We just have to think realistically and openly.
Talking with Monique, we both realized we will go without our husbands for the next two Christmases. My first Christmas with my husband since we got married will be around our four year anniversary. No joke. Weird. Sad...but...it is what it is. I wouldn't change my life for anything. Sometimes it's easy to fall into thinking "what if things were different..." but I believe everyone does that in every walk of life. Any time you face something hard, you imagine what it would be if it weren't this hard. I have shared more love and fun times with my husband in the short time we've been together than many couples do in their entire marriages. And I know we will only grow stronger. We have over this deployment and we will continue to as we grow old together and...apart.
My mom and I received Christmas cards from my cousin whose husband is also in the military and deployed. My mom told me she almost cried when she saw it. It was a photo of my cousin Rebekah's husband Andy overseas and then another photo of Rebekah back here in the states. I guess it just really hit home with my mom that Rebekah was spending Christmas away from her husband...and her own daughter was also going through this separation as well. I'm new to this but I think I'm handling it pretty well. I just feel kind of single. Which is kind of a terrible feeling when you know you aren't single. It's also strange spending your first Christmas as a married woman alone. It just feels wrong. I am not in the Christmas "spirit" at all. It just feels off. But that's my life right now. Someday I will get to spend my first Christmas with John as a couple. I'm so thankful we were able to spend Christmas together last year. And I'm so thankful I have somewhere to go for this Christmas. And in a way...maybe I have my head in the right place this year. Focusing on the true reason for the season, not distracted by all the lights and false magic.

"A Thrill of Hope, the Weary World Rejoices For Yonder Breaks a New and Glorious Morn!"

Merry Christmas Everyone. It's right around the corner. Five days until Washington! Oh...and here is officially the BEST version of "Oh Holy Night" EVER.