My Friday

Today is my Friday. It's one of those weird but good days. I am beyond emotional. But not in a bad way. I don't think. I find myself tearing up at the drop of a hat (where did that come from anyway? HAT? Who's hat is dropping and why? I don't get it), at my toast popping up, at a Taylor Swift song, at watching the CMA awards, at reading my husband's email this morning. I'm not sure what the deal is. Maybe my body is making up for all the tears I haven't cried this year because I've been so happy. Maybe I'm subconsciously mimicking the sheets of rain outside that haven't let up since 2 days ago. I'm not sure. But all I know is if someone gave me a hug right now, I'd probably burst into tears. But not really sad tears. Just tears. Happy tears.
Tomorrow is my birthday. As usual, I have Kate Nash, Lily Allen, The Asteroid Galaxy Tour to accompany me. Emotional support, you see. Tomorrow, they will hand the reins over to Switchfoot. Only Switchfoot can truly welcome me into my 24th year of existence.
I have a desire deep in my heart. When I was younger I shared it with a lot of people. And they encouraged it. But as I grew older, I grew more afraid to show it and it has long sat in the dark. It is one of the only areas of my life John is not entirely familiar with backwards and forwards. Because I am afraid. I'm not even entirely sure of what. But I'm afraid. And don't feel good enough. So I'll lay it out there. Because it hasn't gone away. And I always wonder if it ever will. I've fooled myself a few times into thinking it has faded. But as I said...I've fooled myself. Unsuccessfully.
When I was 14, I wrote a song over a summer. And then another. And another. I don't know how many songs I wrote that summer. But I remember most of them. Somehow. I can't actually WRITE or READ music...like as in music sheets. But somehow I made myself memorize these. And everyone around me told me that someday I would be famous. I know it sounds stupid, cheesy. But that's what happened. And it was a confirmation of this feeling I had had for a very long time. I felt like I had a voice. A different voice that needed to be heard. And I still do. I still write songs. I record 30 second clips of them and save them on my cellphone...and usually when I get a new phone, I forget they're even there and erase them. And then it starts all over again. I don't play any instrument but my vocal chords. Which makes my future seem bleak in this area. And then there's just the whole practicality of it all. Where can this lead? Is it dead? Is it too late? Am I fooling myself thinking this is something I could do, something I've always wanted? Is it just the typical undying teenage desire to be a famous pop singer? I don't think so. Because my desire isn't really to BE famous. It's to be at a stance where I could speak and it would be heard. Even if it was just translating a message through some lyrics. I feel like God gave me a voice. Not in a singing way. In singing, I'm not the most amazing voice you will ever hear. But I am passionate. And I have a view that's different. Where I've come from, where I'm going to, it's all different. I have never met a true mirror of myself. Which has often left me truly lonely. But a good friend once told me "Rachel, you will never be able to define yourself. You don't fit in a box." And that's okay. That's the WHOLE point. Everyone is unique. But I truly believe...I'm just that much stranger than them all. lol.
Tomorrow, I turn 24. I wonder how this will change anything. In this area. Can it? Will it? Could it? I'm tired of being afraid of this part of myself. Quickly silencing it to the point of weakening my voice until the notes I used to reach are barely squeaks now. All due to fear.
I remember the first time I set foot in a recording studio. It was like my whole body sighed in relief and tingled with excitement. It's where I've always wanted to be. Second to a stage. Will I ever go back...