The Cure

Funny how right around thanksgiving I start a friend-appreciation-fest without even meaning to. I mean, don't get me wrong. I appreciate my friends so much. But this is different. It's like a strong case of reminiscing about old times that makes me want to connect with those friends again. Like I must.
It all started when I was reading old stuff I'd kept and written from way back when. I ran across a few things from old friends or about old friends. And it made me miss them. One made me pick up the phone and call without even really thinking about it. And I'm glad I did. We ended up talking for over an hour (despite several cut-offs...my phone hates me...).
The other friend is one of those friends you've lost. But you always miss. In fact, I've lost this friend several times I believe. For various reasons. I've lost a lot of friends along the way here...to right now. I am still friends with most of them on facebook which I find myself rethinking almost daily. Seeing their pictures brings more pain than happiness. And I already know things won't change as I've tried to mend them so many times before. Times like that make me blame myself for everything even if that isn't necessarily realistic or true. But it's easy to pile the blame up when someone won't listen and won't forgive...and won't talk. Sometimes it's worse when they don't say anything at all.
This final long lost friend is one who pops in my head pretty regularly. There are so many things that remind me of inside jokes and our likes and dislikes. The wonder about the internet is...no matter how far spaced you are from a friend...no matter how long it has been since you last talked...there always seems to be a way to find them again. Even if it's the most random loophole that you forgot about. I found myself scrounging the internet for this friend. Scrounging scrounging scrounging with the little information I could find and the even littler information that I could remember. It felt like searching for long lost family members or a run-away sibling. Have you ever found yourself in that situation? I feel like I have a few times...it's always sort of bittersweet...and weird.
I'm not even really sure if there's a cure for all this. Salvaging lost friendships that don't want to be salvaged. It's hard to relate to. I can't really think of a human being that I would refuse to be friends with again. Maybe that's just me. Maybe not. I know all I can do is just try...and let it go if I'm denied.
I guess through all of this, I've relearned how much I appreciate my friends. Even the ones I haven't spoken to in a long time. I love you all and I'm so thankful for you.