Birthday Blues

In about 4 weeks, it will be my birthday and I keep going through a steady range of good/bad emotions. For one thing, it's my second birthday away from John, second during a deployment. For another thing...it really goes back to a very basic concept and truth: I....hate...throwing...parties...for...myself. Hate it. I can handle it if someone else is involved and helps me...but if it's just me? LOATHE. I HATED throwing my own bridal shower. Thankfully my mom took over a lot of it so it wasn't entirely me but in the beginning it was and I hated it. I became a complete train wreck. I just wanted to can the whole thing because the whole idea of throwing myself a shower felt stupid. But when you KNOW that no one else is going to do it and you want a shower, what else is there to do? That's how it is with my birthday. I want to do something for my birthday. I'm not one of those people that doesn't want to do anything on their birthday. I WANT TO DO SOMETHING. And I DON'T want to spend it alone. I WISH I had someone here that was close enough to me to know that. I WISH I had someone who would WANT to throw me a birthday party. This all feels very selfish to even think but it's true. And when it comes down to the fact that 1. I don't have anyone here that knows that and 2. I know no one would step out to throw me or at least help me throw a birthday party, then we find ourselves at 3. Throwing myself my 25th birthday party.
Last year, my friend Katie was amazing enough to drive down from Virginia for my birthday. Read about it here. I am to this day in-debt to her because I laughed SO hard those few days she was here and I know that if she hadn't been, I would have been in tears on multiple occasions. It was also just amazing to rekindle a wonderful friendship that I've missed for 5 years. Unfortunately, she's no longer a car-ride away. But I will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS treasure that birthday memory.
So here I am...left with the age-old dilemma (actually not really...but whatever...it's my blog): to throw a party or to not throw a party...that is the question. Indeed it is. Now considering the fact that I think I lost the few readers I had to begin with, I can't exactly post a question like "What do you all think I should do?" because I can soooo see myself answering my own question due to lack of response. Goodie. So I won't even go there.
I'm inclined to conclude that just because someone won't do it for me does not mean I should sit on my butt and be depressed. So that option is out (darn it). The two remaining options are:
1. Suck it up and throw yourself a birthday party. Or...
2. Suck it up and don't throw yourself a birthday party and do something else...and somehow prevent yourself from getting depressed.
So there it is people...my options. Does it make me decision any easier? Hell no. Do I have an idea of which I'm going to choose? Hell no. Do I wish that John was home so he could actually be around for one of my birthdays? Hell yes.
The idea of going to a movie popped in my head (since that was part of my birthday idea last year but it completely fell through). I looked up the first movie closest to my birthday date and the description is: "Strange lights over Los Angeles herald the arrival of a malevolent alien force that threatens to swallow up all of humanity."
Great. Just great. Cue sarcasm.

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