Crash and Burn
What a day.
What. A. Day.
So...living situation update. Still no mailbox key. But they replaced our dishwasher today (someone delivered it yesterday but announced they weren't paid to install it so we had to crack the whip on our rental company) and fixed some leaks. I am thankful I grew up overseas. I am definitely less used to living primitively now. But when it comes down to it, I can do it and it doesn't phase me too much. But there's definitely something frustrating about knowing you have a dishwasher that you can't use yet and sinks you can't use because of the seals drying.
Emotionally, today ended a mess. I've been a mess for awhile but it all kind of hit a wall. Before I knew what was happening, I was crying alone in a corner. And I'm angry. And sad. And overwhelmed. And not myself.
My wonderful mom encouraged me and basically told me I MUST go take an art class. So there. And I should. I just wish there weren't so many things, so many elements to moving. So much to still unpack and figure out just to survive. Things to safeguard so the girls are safe/kept out of them, things to organize. But the biggest thing is delegation. I feel like I'm doing everything. There seems to be a lot of expectation of me and then some more and more and more and quite frankly...I can't do it all. If I were going to try to attempt that, why don't we just go back to doing the deployment thing. I know how to crash and burn at that real well. I don't need a new arena of crash and burn, thank you very much. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my title. Boom.
There is no such thing as a completely new beginning. You've changed. So even when you "begin" in a new scene, you can't reset yourself to who you used to be. You can't reboot. You must proceed from wherever you were and continue on. And that's the struggle. I am continuing on but the brutal change to a new lifestyle almost gives me the hint of reboot...but then I'm left with all the questions I can't answer.
What was the past 8 years for?
Why did we have to go through so much separation hell?
How do you "move on" when it feels like the years have been sucked out of you (hello, Man with 6 Fingers from the Princess Bride)?
When will I feel myself again and what is necessary to get there?
I'm angry at myself and others. I feel cheated of time and of intimacy. And I don't feel heard. At all. I feel like I'm screaming into this empty room. It echoes like hell but no one else is around. Nobody is listening no matter how many times I explain myself. Especially those who need to hear it.
I realize this all sounds like a big pity party. I don't mean for it to. I guess it's just another one of those moments where...I need to be creating but I don't have the time or set up yet. So here I am, writing. And it's been a rough day. What a day.
You know something is wrong when the day gets easier when you just pretend you're going through a deployment again.
And yet...I'm here. I'm alive. I do HAVE a new beginning, whether or not it's chaotic and stressful and hectic and overwhelming. I'm watching some of the crazy amazing women in my Premier family in videos, doing trainings to help everyone grow. And somehow that makes me feel a little better and feel more motivated to work toward tomorrow. A tomorrow with less tears, hopefully!
What. A. Day.
So...living situation update. Still no mailbox key. But they replaced our dishwasher today (someone delivered it yesterday but announced they weren't paid to install it so we had to crack the whip on our rental company) and fixed some leaks. I am thankful I grew up overseas. I am definitely less used to living primitively now. But when it comes down to it, I can do it and it doesn't phase me too much. But there's definitely something frustrating about knowing you have a dishwasher that you can't use yet and sinks you can't use because of the seals drying.
Emotionally, today ended a mess. I've been a mess for awhile but it all kind of hit a wall. Before I knew what was happening, I was crying alone in a corner. And I'm angry. And sad. And overwhelmed. And not myself.
My wonderful mom encouraged me and basically told me I MUST go take an art class. So there. And I should. I just wish there weren't so many things, so many elements to moving. So much to still unpack and figure out just to survive. Things to safeguard so the girls are safe/kept out of them, things to organize. But the biggest thing is delegation. I feel like I'm doing everything. There seems to be a lot of expectation of me and then some more and more and more and quite frankly...I can't do it all. If I were going to try to attempt that, why don't we just go back to doing the deployment thing. I know how to crash and burn at that real well. I don't need a new arena of crash and burn, thank you very much. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my title. Boom.
There is no such thing as a completely new beginning. You've changed. So even when you "begin" in a new scene, you can't reset yourself to who you used to be. You can't reboot. You must proceed from wherever you were and continue on. And that's the struggle. I am continuing on but the brutal change to a new lifestyle almost gives me the hint of reboot...but then I'm left with all the questions I can't answer.
What was the past 8 years for?
Why did we have to go through so much separation hell?
How do you "move on" when it feels like the years have been sucked out of you (hello, Man with 6 Fingers from the Princess Bride)?
When will I feel myself again and what is necessary to get there?
I'm angry at myself and others. I feel cheated of time and of intimacy. And I don't feel heard. At all. I feel like I'm screaming into this empty room. It echoes like hell but no one else is around. Nobody is listening no matter how many times I explain myself. Especially those who need to hear it.
I realize this all sounds like a big pity party. I don't mean for it to. I guess it's just another one of those moments where...I need to be creating but I don't have the time or set up yet. So here I am, writing. And it's been a rough day. What a day.
You know something is wrong when the day gets easier when you just pretend you're going through a deployment again.
And yet...I'm here. I'm alive. I do HAVE a new beginning, whether or not it's chaotic and stressful and hectic and overwhelming. I'm watching some of the crazy amazing women in my Premier family in videos, doing trainings to help everyone grow. And somehow that makes me feel a little better and feel more motivated to work toward tomorrow. A tomorrow with less tears, hopefully!
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