Insert Loneliness Here

Have you ever just bombed dinner? I mean not to the point where it's inedible. It's okay. It's just not at all what you intended in the first place. I generally like to think of myself as a pretty decent cook. I can only think of a couple of times when my meals turned out awful to the point of scrapping them completely. Tonight was not one of my winners and it just added to the overall melancholy mood that today has brought upon me. It's a beautiful day, not the sort of day that would bring on this sort of attitude. But it's also about exactly a month since John has left. Which reminds me suddenly that no, this is not an exercise; this is the real thing. It forces me to realize that he's going to be gone more than a month. Naturally, I know that inbmy head but my heart likes to beg to differ. I've settled into the lonely stage.
Have I ever mentioned that I have a really hard time making friends? Funny story (I know I've blogged about it a bunch, don't remind me) but I do and I'm not entirely sure why. For the first time, this evening I entertain the thought that maybe just maybe it was something to do with me. But I don't think that's true (note: I'm sure I play a big part...I just don't think I cause people to run for the hills or anything). I've just had a very rough time finding decent friends for decent, deep relationships that are meaningful. No backstabbing, no gossiping, no betrayal no distrust.
I've lived here four years and I've yet to really have a friend that I've clicked with. And if I do get close to clicking with someone, it seems to be that they always are on the verge of moving. Or I suddenly realize that I'm closer with someone than I thought just as they're pulling out of the driveway. My dear friend Lauren who just recently moved to Arizona is probably one of the only people I really felt I got close to here. And so now I find myself clamoring around just as John is leaving, trying to remember whether or not I have a resemblance of a group of friends. I have great best friends, don't get me wrong. They just don't live here! So here I am. I do have friends here. We're just not close. There's no one that I really feel comfortable calling in the middle of the night. And that's an important feeling to have. Having my parents close by is wonderful. I love it. However, my social life can not entirely consist of my parents and my daughter. Something has to change. I am going to a group from my church. I also tried out a women's breakfast that is hosted by my mom's church.
So here is my pity party post. I'm lonely. My school schedule makes it harder to go to events and stuff. Having P makes it harder still but not horribly. I just am tired of loneliness. I've done this before. And it's old. And lame.