The Death of Tuna
Warning: Pity Party in session.
Where do I even begin? And does it even matter?
John is gone and will be for a week. Then for a month. And then probably another week and another month and who knows how many random days and nights thrown in there in the middle. And all this even BEFORE deploying for 10 months. I know so many have had it far worse...and will continue to have it worse. I know I need to be thankful for the time I have, for technology for where it's at and what it offers, and for the blessings in my life. I'm trying to focus on those things. But I'm hurt and the pain isn't something I can contain anymore. I feel like I've been battling myself for months. And I can only battle myself for so long before it spills over into a big mess and I start hurting everyone around me. Done and done.
This FAC tour is killing us. His commute is freaking KILLING US. There is no time to catch up for lost time or connect. There just isn't. And it's hard to not feel like the bottom of the barrel even though I know he's giving all of himself. He left again today and I cried like he was leaving for 10 months. Because I wish he would. His former squadron is leaving soon and I'm jealous. I want to just get this thing over with, not drag it out for a year.
I'm angry. I'm bitter. I'm hurt. I want to kick a few peoples' asses. Very specific people. I feel myself crushed to my knees over this. I'm so thankful my parents will be near by soon. Maybe that will help. Maybe that will make this doable. Maybe God opened that door (or that series of doors) for such a time as this. I felt strong before. Now I feel utterly defeated. And I think that's exactly where I need to be...as much as I hate it. Jesus, take this empty shell and do with it what you will.
Where do I even begin? And does it even matter?
John is gone and will be for a week. Then for a month. And then probably another week and another month and who knows how many random days and nights thrown in there in the middle. And all this even BEFORE deploying for 10 months. I know so many have had it far worse...and will continue to have it worse. I know I need to be thankful for the time I have, for technology for where it's at and what it offers, and for the blessings in my life. I'm trying to focus on those things. But I'm hurt and the pain isn't something I can contain anymore. I feel like I've been battling myself for months. And I can only battle myself for so long before it spills over into a big mess and I start hurting everyone around me. Done and done.
This FAC tour is killing us. His commute is freaking KILLING US. There is no time to catch up for lost time or connect. There just isn't. And it's hard to not feel like the bottom of the barrel even though I know he's giving all of himself. He left again today and I cried like he was leaving for 10 months. Because I wish he would. His former squadron is leaving soon and I'm jealous. I want to just get this thing over with, not drag it out for a year.
I'm angry. I'm bitter. I'm hurt. I want to kick a few peoples' asses. Very specific people. I feel myself crushed to my knees over this. I'm so thankful my parents will be near by soon. Maybe that will help. Maybe that will make this doable. Maybe God opened that door (or that series of doors) for such a time as this. I felt strong before. Now I feel utterly defeated. And I think that's exactly where I need to be...as much as I hate it. Jesus, take this empty shell and do with it what you will.
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