Denial

It's March. It's pretty much march and I can't decide how to feel. It doesn't feel like John is going away but then again it never does. I am truly unable to wrap my head around it this time. Other times I'd already be an emotional wreck by now. And granted I've had my moments but...on the whole I feel strangely grounded. And it scares me.
We are marinading and soaking up as much time and memories together as possible. I watch him look at P with this expression that wills every moment to last longer than it can or commit it to memory. I see him silently beg her to stop growing until he gets back and a large part of my heart breaks. I feel selfish now for worrying how I'll survive some minuscule bit of time without her this summer.
But I feel happy. With an ache in my chest but joyful that I can call this man my darling and that my daughter can call him "dada." Grateful he is a part of our lives and silently proud to endure this experience that so many have done before me, including my grandparents.
But now I must soak up more time. March...please pause.