Psychological Furniture
Maybe I'm still lingering in the memory of my rooms growing up. I always loved my rooms growing up. I began painting the walls in junior high or high school. Color and images. My parents were flexible and let me have free reign. My last bedroom before moving to the states was orange, yellow, and black. I *LOVED* it. My bedroom, no matter how messy, was always a comforting place. It always somehow ended up being the coolest place in the house and I always kept it pretty dim but that was the way I liked it. I was always sketching and creating in those rooms. They hold so many memories. I enjoyed spending time in them.
My bedroom now is something entirely different. I know being a parent has some to do with it but there's more to it. I think a large part of it is it never reached that comfortable point of bedroomhood that my bedroom usually reaches where I love being in it. We never painted it. Decor didn't happen until living in it for quite awhile. There's good closet space but other than that there's not much room for much. And with a baby in the house, there's a never-ending mound of child stuffs that is ever growing.
I feel selfish feeling this way but...I miss my high school bedroom. I miss having a place I enjoy being, a place that is restful. One remedy I feel would help is bedroom furniture. Like...no joke, a bedroom furniture set. I've never had anything that's matched and been a..well...set. My nightstand is a wicker (I loathe wicker) shelf that used to house printers and fax machines at my old workplace. I was given it for free because they were going to throw it out. So that gives you an inkling of an idea of the environment I sleep in. Ha.
I think deployments from the start poisoned our bedroom as well. During John's first deployment, I remember going through a period of a few months where I'd stay up until the early morning hours reading because I just did not want to go to sleep. Because going to sleep meant waking up and waking up meant waking up alone without John. I know. Very sad thoughts. But there are those moments when your love is away. There are those seasons. I remember not enjoying being in our bedroom then.
The more I discuss it with people the more I think it might just be a girl thing. When we first moved into this house, and I suggested painting, John didn't seem to understand why. It didn't dawn on me until later that he (and most guys in his position) was in bachelor renter mode...which meant wherever they were living was not permanent so why the heck paint? Blank walls are easier when it comes to moving time. True...but for the mental health of this girl...they aren't. But now it's gotten to the point where we don't know how soon we'll move. So painting seems like a waste of time. Or is it? I'm not even sure anymore.
All I know is this: something needs to change.
This is one of the harder seasons of my life. It's strange because it's also one of the most rewarding; I am more happy than I thought I could be as a mother. They say you don't really understand love until you have a child...and it's very true. I'm in awe daily at the capacity of my heart, as it grows fuller with each moment my girl grows and learns and changes and...lives. But it is also not an easy job being mom. Especially with John away. Jim Gaffigan said about being a parent of four: "You want to know what it's like having four kids? Imagine you're drowning.......and someone hands you a baby." Hilarious...but kind of true. And I only have one!(!!!) Every day literally feels like a marathon. I literally feel like I am that Hindu god that has all the arms...yet I can't get stuff done fast enough and as soon as I lay down, I get up 7 more times to finish things I almost forgot about. I cannot rest until I've done all the tasks that run around in my mind. I remember wondering in the beginning how I'd ever survive with 3 solid hours of sleep at a time max...now it's just normal. This is my life right now. I know it will change and eb and flow but right now this is where it is. And right now, without a real haven of comfort, peace, quiet, and rest, I'm drowning. With a baby. I need to change something. Whether it's purging my room of everything in it but my bed or getting furniture so I not only enjoy my room but also have places to put things away (GASP...the most novel of ideas!), something's gotta give. And right now it's me.
Photo: unknown found via Decor8
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