The Reforming Night Owl

I am almost a 3rd into a 30 day challenge where I exercise 15 minutes a day. And for the first time in my LIFE, I have been consistently getting up around 5:15am daily, getting that workout knocked out before the kids are up and then being ready to face my day. Who am I and where did this come from? Well, I realized (knew all along but was in denial of) I needed to do something different to expect anything to change. John suggested I get up when he does and I thought...ok! It has meant this night owl has to FORCE herself to go to bed earlier, which is hard and requires further measures to quiet my head like turning off my phone COMPLETELY so I'm not tempted to check anything.

It feels good to be active again. I've missed it and needed it but just could not go there with the combo of needing physical therapy for issues and then the weight of guilt and shame I was throwing, MOUNTING on myself before I got back on antidepressants...in some ways, it was easier/healthier to commit to less and just take one step in front of the other. The guilt of "failing" when I couldn't complete something was debilitating. It's funny how the mind works. When I FIRST went on antidepressants, I remember not feeling myself and that was always one of my "side effects." But this time around, it's been the opposite. I didn't feel myself. But going back on antidepressants has helped me feel myself again. Not the me that I was previously on antidepressants. But the me, long buried, how I have always been, in the best sense. I'm thankful for help when I most needed it.

The itch to create is back. It had departed for awhile. And honestly, I didn't really know what to do with myself. 

I began planning a painting last night. It is an intimidating subject matter and I am both terrified and excited. Stay tuned.