2020

Here we are, like a new breath of a fresh, crisp morning. I have memories of a certain farm we stayed at for a more extended period than most visits were when we'd come to the states. It was a relief to be able to unpack in one bathroom and know you didn't have to pack everything up in the morning. My parents and I stayed in a barn that had been partially remodeled into an apartment. I don't actually know how long we were there. It could have been a couple of weeks. It could have been a couple of months. It could have been two separate visits. All I know is I loved it there and I loved the crisp mornings, the quiet of the property and the surrounding forests, the lush green and all the encompassing smells therein. 

That is what 2020 feels like to me, a fresh new morning at the Desmond Farm.

I see a lot of struggle in 2019. I read an acquaintance's description of 2019 and was actually taken aback a bit when she proclaimed it "the worst year of their lives." I mean...I had a miscarriage on my birthday but I still wouldn't call it the worst year of my life, struggle or not. I also had a miscarriage on a romantic getaway to Italy. Again, I would not call that the worst year of my life. And it occurred to me, I've been through a lot. In my life. Maybe that really is the worst year she has experienced. Who am I to know?

2019 was my year of struggling with myself and, although it felt like a big failure at times, I fought for territory in my own head, where it had been overrun with...not me. There's no other way to describe it. I was not myself and I was not okay. Sometimes, I forget. Sometimes I wonder if it was really that bad. Then I find myself making my mom laugh and I realize I wasn't able to do that before; I was too buried beneath the weight.

2019 was hard. But it also contained one of the biggest joys of my life, watching my son become a little person and grow. He was in it and that makes it a good year. My girls too, of course, without saying. I mention him first, though, because he is the newest to this bunch and his presence in this family, in this year, in my life, matters.

I think I chose two words for 2019 when it began. But I only remember one which was Meek. Meek. The word everyone mistakes for weak. Or mild. But I read somewhere that to be meek is really to be strength and power under control. Wow. Read that again. That was what I wanted. I guess it's still what I want. But I'm overjoyed to be able to look back over all that hellish struggle that I would not wish to repeat, ever (but still not my worst year), and see PROGRESS. CHANGE. GROWTH. MEEK.

I have half a mind to repeat Meek as the word for 2020. To fine-tune that idea and drive it home. I'll have to give it a ponder.

A few of my aspirations for this year:

- Care about my body and physical health again and get active.

- Do something to feel safer in my own skin.

- Finish the first draft of my book.

- Read at least 6 books.

- Take a family vacation. 

- Go away as a couple.

Thank you, God, for getting us through this year and for granting us a new one.

Happy New Year and Happy 2020!