Observations on Part 3: The Secret in the Wings

Falling apart doesn't happen all at once. It's gradual, in small portions, until the cracks become bigger than the largest surviving pieces.

I remember one...episode in particular. It's one of those memories I can't help but remember. It's soaked in embarrassment and shame and pity...for myself. It makes me cringe. It serves as a reminder of how lost I was.

I think it was spring break. A bunch of friends from China (American and Canadian nationality) came to visit and it was just like old times. Only...it wasn't. Only, I wasn't myself. Only, I was struggling in so many ways. In my relationship which spilled over into everything. Within myself. Like I mentioned in one of my previous posts, my internal aggravation spilled over and I would, in turn, unintentionally hurt others. 

I only remember bits and pieces and I'm thankful for that because what I do remember is excruciating enough.

The last night the Canadian friends were there, we went to a Thai restaurant in Seattle and afterward, they were going to head home (I think?) and my family was going to a play. It was called The Secret in the Wings.

I don't remember any details about what led up to it but the important thing to mention is these people were like family to me. They still hold a place in my heart that is precious. They are the sort of friends that, despite having lost touch, if they called out of the blue in the middle of the night and needed help, I'd drop everything to help them. 

I don't remember details but I do remember suddenly being very angry. Very. So angry that when my friend Mike asked if he could take my picture before they left, I threatened him. I left the restaurant before dinner was over. I struggled to find my way to the theater and that's putting it very, very lightly. Think RAGE and ANXIETY. By the time I connected with my family, I was sobbing uncontrollably on the bus and couldn't pull it together, even when we arrived and went into the play. I finally remember becoming calm in the dark, watching The Secret in the Wings, the memories of which still enchant me to this day. Ironic that I found it so wonderful when I felt so awful inside. Maybe that was the point: it was a beautiful distraction. 

That was the last time I saw several of those friends. Quite the final impression, right? Later, I reached out and apologized for my behavior. In fact, I think I apologized more than once. Mike told me it was water under the bridge and I can't express what that meant to me.

I was devastated our time ended the way it did and I was the cause of all of it. Time with friends like those is special. Being around anyone who understands what makes TCKs TCKs is great. But being with the ones who actually experienced what you experienced ALONG WITH YOU? There's really nothing like it. It's like a family reunion. But it's all the family members you actually like.

All of this, I think, happened shortly before my BIG break down, the one with all the coffee and no food. The point of no return, and honestly, the turning point.

I pause and can't fully remember why I wanted to rehash this memory. Oh, yeah. To illustrate that falling apart isn't always a single episode. And also, it has been therapeutic to examine these memories. This is one that has haunted me. It hurts to remember because it hurts to think of how...not myself I was. And no one really fully got it. I think some people thought I was just being dramatic and yeah, sure, there was drama. For sure. But that was SO FAR from where it all originated, where it was coming from. In some strange way, talking it out to myself is helping me understand it. And understanding, even just a little bit, brings closure. It changes it from just a bad memory to something I can learn from.

I'm ready to close this door, to no longer feel ashamed of my behavior, but to acknowledge my brokenness at the time and learn from my mistakes.