That Friend

Have you ever been here before?
I struggle with friendships. With meaningful, solid, I'm-actually-calling-you-despite-my-phone-anxiety friendships. I'm-expecting-you-to-drop-by-my-house-unannounced-and-I'm-not-going-to-have-a-panic-attack-about-my-clutter friendships. (Do these actually exist or am I just too far gone and too stuck in my anxietal ways?) (Note: must use made-up "anxietal" word in near future.)
And I've identified that one of the driving problems is my fear of being used. Now, I know what you are thinking; "Why in today's consumer-driven, direct-sales-obsessed, facebook-addicted, pinterest-judgementy society would you feel that way??" I'm so glad you asked.
I became aware of my own naivete in a gentle manner (not to be confused with manor, which is a fancy house). Less like screeching to a halt at an unexpected red light because I was too busy belting that, "Man, I feel like a woman," to notice my fast encircling death...less like that and more like the quiet realization in a room full of people that you have your leggings on inside-out (or backwards, or both) and you're trying to discreetly read if anyone's face will reveal that they've already noticed. I became aware of my naivete unbeknownst to most everyone around me, I'd guess. Like being disguised in the enemy's camp, everyone already had and has (still) preconceived notions about me when they first meet me. This isn't paranoia; it's actual things people have later shared with me about their first (and second and third) impression of me. That was why I was able to ease into the realization-easy-chair-recliner that things weren't as innocent as I had counted on them being. In life. The dark was a lot darker, the cold a lot colder, and the cruel at it's height in this new found reality.
So...this flavored my experiences and fogged my perceptions.
Have you ever been here before? Picture this: You think you're really close friends with someone...until...you're not? You embarrassingly realize to your horror that, maybe, they never felt that close to you or that way about you in the first place. I mean, maybe you just imagined the whole thing and read into every little action or attention (you ponder to yourself, uneasiness settling in...). But you can see clearly now. Oh boy, can you ever. And so you do the only thing you can come up with: pretend they never meant that much to you either, to save face and pride, and then cry later in the safety and privacy of your house or car or bathroom stall.
Have you ever been here before? Have you? Then maybe...just maybe I'm not so alone after all.
This naivete I speak of runs a lot deeper than I, or anyone else, will ever understand. I'm just now really coming to terms with it and myself and figuring out what makes me tick and what broke along the way to make me tick like that (not just the used friend thing but in lots of ways). I balance between my two extremes; believing everyone will like me and wondering how to b
So, you have your group of mistaken close friendships in hand. Then what? How do you move forward? The only way you know how. Like someone hoping no one will notice something they deem shameful about their appearance, like a wounded bird, you exist as this soul-less being, second-guessing every interaction and hyper-aware of how you come off to others. Should I hug? Do I know them well enough to hug? Did I hug when I first met them? Would it be weird to introduce hugging at this point in our acquaintance? Do they see me as a hugger? More importantly, am I a hugger?
And pretty soon, you've created this weird pattern and, you guessed it, no real friendships have developed or the ones that have, remain very surfacey because of your desire for closeness but your tendency to neglect out of anxiety of misreading a friendship again and getting hurt. Again. Or legit Mom Life or Life Life. This applies to everyone, not just moms.
And the thing is, this wasn't necessarily your fault. You may not have done anything that harmed the friendship. You also may not have read anything into anything. Sometimes, people drop you for no good reason. And it really, really sucks.
I don't know about you but I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the hurt from old failed friendships or relationships (preaching truth, girl) tainting new potential ones. We won't even get into all the life happenings that can handicap our friendship efforts. Not today, Satan.
So, now what?
I recently discovered that a long-time friendship was not what I had thought it had been. I can write about it here because I know she'll never read this. And if she did, I don't know if she'd even register on the far horizon that I was writing about her. It took me a while to really be able to see it for what it had become. And when you get to that point, you question everything. I questioned if it had ever been real or if we'd just grown apart and if so, when had that happened.
Sometimes, some friendships just end. Sometimes, you grow past each other, passing traffic going in different directions. Sometimes, there's more of a cause. And sometimes, you have to decide: will I fight for this friendship, even if my friend doesn't? Or is it maybe time to let it fall and see where it's meant to settle?
I'm still not sure and not sure how to feel. But around the same time I was encouraged to be open to what God is trying to bring. Don't be so blind and closed in your disappointment or sadness that you cannot see a new friendship entering your life or TRYING to enter your life. I remember sitting there just going, "OKAY, GOD. OKAY, I GET IT. I GET IT!!" Because it was an abstract origin, not specific or connected to my situation. But it spoke to me exactly where I was in what I was dealing with. Like, SCREAMED in my ear spoke. It's those times when I know it's something important. When a word is repeated to me so many times in so many ways, over andover demanding I pay attention; don't miss this.
Have you ever been here before? Then I challenge you to do what I was challenged to do (because misery loves company and we are already miserable): OPEN YOUR EYES to the friendship entering your life. If you or I don't, we might miss it (and also, don't obsess that you missed it...you haven't). And that means allow yourself to be vulnerable. Be honest. And don't expect perfection if you'd rather not be compared to that standard.
These are all notes for myself. To repeat when I'm wondering what I'm doing or if I've messed things up again (or not) or if I'm a hugger or not (I am when I get to a certain comfort level but I'm trying to be more open to hugging sooner and telling my awkwardness to take a hike).