Sea Legs

Sometimes, I almost miss anti-depressants.
I'm being extremely vulnerably honest here.
I miss (and yet don't miss) seeing everything crumbling apart around me and thinking, "Huh... I feel nothing! Great!" I miss not feeling overwhelmed by LIFE.WITH.THREE.KIDS.(and.sometimes.husband). (Wait...did this time I miss ever actually exist?)
But...
I don't miss NOT FEELING when I was supposed to be feeling. I don't miss just being angry with a side of semi-emotionlessness. I don't miss wanting/needing to cry and not being able to...both sad and happy tears.
Afternoons like today's almost make me miss anti-depressants. But then not.
I had a period of time where they were necessary and sometimes it feels like it would be nice if you could have a cheat day and just push a button or pull a plug to let all the emotions out and deal with a situation stoically, unwavering and calm. I mean, why DO I react so knee-jerk emotionally? Why is it that my kids' emotions being out of control trigger mine? Why can't I just march around the house like a robot, deaf to the whining and tantrums and just finish hanging the shelves and making dinner and organizing the guestroom closet? And picking up all the random chaos and untangling the barbies and trying to prevent myself from completely setting fire to everything and starting over in a cardboard box? Why do some of these things overwhelm me so much and other things don't that maybe should? Why are we triggered and wired so differently?
Pretty soon, that becomes a lot of questions. Ones I don't know the answer for.
My current struggle is not falling into bitterness. I struggle with keeping my finger down and not pointing and blaming. Because at the end of the day, it's nobody's fault. It's just overwhelming. And I guess it's okay to be overwhelmed for a bit. But it's important to have those around you who can help and you can depend on when you don't have your sea legs. I don't have very many people I let in. It is easier to just hide behind a closed door sometimes. It's not better, I promise you. My mom is truly my best friend and the one person who knows how to pray for me when I don't know how to function. But I know I need those relationships and to be vulnerable around others. And kick this expectation that I'm supposed to be handling it all. Because I'm not. Especially my fragment sentences.