Paralyzed Trigger

If I had to give this year a word that envelopes something about it, that characterizes it, perhaps an area of growth or new knowledge, the word I would choose would be "trigger."
I'm hoping my saved words and other documentation is enough to remind my future self and family that 30's are way better than your 20's. But with your 30's come (hopefully) a better understanding of yourself and possibly reaping a few seeds you sowed in your teens and 20's. Perhaps they were seeds planted without any fault of your own; completely out of your hands. Whether born in innocence or guilt, we must deal with the aftermath of everything that happens to us. I find myself pondering so many things and imagining how certain conversations would go down concerning this very topic and I always end it in defense of myself, expressing that I do not like being this way, I do not choose to be this way, but this is the product of my past life and now I must figure out how to live with her and become better from where I am (I always imagine people telling me to get a grip or "just stop being that way"). I can't become better from where I hope to be, although knowing where that is is important; but I'm not there yet. I'm here. And I have to work my way up if I want to keep any good footing.
So, I'm learning that understanding how to express your need and how you struggle is so important. I am just now discovering my inability to do that; how I've been paralyzed in crippling, building anxiety but unable to express what I'm experiencing or what I'm needing to my family. This usually leads to me completely shutting down, falling apart, and needing some time alone to figure out what is going on inside. During which, I have to also talk myself off the ledge of feeling like a horrible mother, a horrible wife, a horrible person. Because how dare I struggle with my shortcomings and need support from the people I love.
Today, though, seemed a little different. For the first time, I feel like I was able to see what it was that was happening, and even though I was in full-blown Anxiety Land, I could think through how I needed to express how I felt and what my struggle was. And it all came back to triggers. I'm learning triggers can be both my worst nightmare and my best friend. Triggers have probably helped ruin every friendship I've ever lost. But they've also propelled me to real change. They are sometimes debilitating and sometimes game-changers. And finding the right words when you need them is a game-changer.
I know this all seems vague but I finally connected the dots and I felt a difference. I felt like for the first time, I actually knew how to express what was happening which was this:
I struggle with anxiety and I have lots of triggers. I try to eliminate triggers so that I can run more smoothly, my day can go more smoothly, and if something does happen that is a trigger, I'm not already completely tapped out and up to my eyeballs in stress from things I could have avoided. But right now, I feel like eliminating triggers is all on my shoulders and it's overwhelming and lonely and paralyzing being responsible for so much and having so much on a daily basis working against you. It makes me kind of...shut down, like sensory overload. And then when things register again, I'm even more stressed than before. This all makes me sound like a computer but it helps me visualize what is actually happening. And you might say eliminating triggers is my responsibility anyway. After all, they are MY triggers. True. But I have a family and unfortunately, as much as I love them, they contribute to those triggers. I need their help to get through this mess. And that is part of love, isn't it? Helping each other in your weaknesses, lifting each other up and providing strength when someone else is struggling...
So, triggers. They aren't all bad. Many are the catapult of change, even if uncomfortable.