Price

I'm lying awake in the dark with a purring cat in my ear with the itch to get my thoughts down but they just won't seem to settle; like tea leaves tend to do, they haven't gotten to that sweet mid-water dwelling place that makes sipping the tea even possible without receiving a mouthful of leaves. Their swirling makes stability uncertain.
Do I talk about the last deployment? Do I even know what I want to say about it? Not at all. There's so much and nothing at the same time. However, one of the best things I did during it was keep a crude comic about the "Stages of Deployment." Now, there are true stages; psychologically backed stages of processing a deployment and how you naturally respond. But this was MY stages. So it entails mishaps, my true feelings and struggles, quarrels, tears, frustrations...but all in roughly sketched cartoons of myself or the event described and it quite took the power out of the struggle in the best way. I look at those stages and can actually laugh (hard) at the incidents themselves and find humor in the moment and I find myself wishing I had done more. I did one or two "Stages of Post Deployment." Perhaps I should do "Stages of UnMarineCorps" or "Stages of Post Marine Corps." Hmm.
I don't know if I've mentioned it before but SPEAKING OF MILLION DOLLAR BOOK IDEAS, for about a year or more, I've collected fun/funny/profound/cute things P says and monthly I post my favorites. They quite naturally took on the name, "Pisms" and it didn't dawn on me until today that she didn't know Pism isn't an actual term. She mentioned someone else saying a Pism and I said..."...Yes, but then it wouldn't be a Pism. Because you are P!" And P she is. Some months feel scarcer than others and I have a moment every month where I worry it's the last month and she'll stop saying cute and humorous things. I thought this month would be scarce due to moving but if anything, the Pisms have been more abundant and she proves my fears wrong monthly by whipping out a ton at the last minute. (Note: I never prompt her. They are all wonderfully raw and real and mostly hilarious.)
I've been told by even friends I don't know really well that they look forward to Pisms every month and they share them with their coworkers. So perhaps someday, I will have to compile a book of them. For me. And for her.
It's holidays that strangely remind me the most of the deployment and don't. They remind me because I know the holidays were hard last year. But I barely remember (probably due to exhaustion when P decided to just stop sleeping altogether) and it's like I don't fully remember that John wasn't here. Again. It feels like it's been 2 years since he was gone. This has been a long year. A tiring year. 5 years in 1. Or maybe it's because Christmas just didn't feel like Christmas truly because it was in a new setting (my in-laws') which helped distract from his absence. I remember arriving in their town and John calling and him staying on the phone to talk to the girls until we got to their house because Sabine finally calmed down when she heard his voice. He came home to my friend Kate's today from his first day of work at his new job and hearing the girls shout, "Daddy!! Dada!!" when they realized it was him coming in the door was like a sickening echo of what could have been...I can't imagine surviving another deployment. I know I could if God willed it. But I am thankful I'll never have to wonder how I'll possibly survive another, again. With older kids who understand his absence, the emptiness without him. I am thankful my girls were young enough for it to not be so traumatizing. But I know so much more went on under the surface with P than I'll ever know. Hearing them shout his name and thinking about hearing them say goodbye to him again...I can't stomach it. Someday, it may not seem so hard or bad. Someday, I'll forget and maybe think it was a breeze. But hopefully these memories will remind me of my sacrifice, their sacrifice, the sacrifice of so many children and families and spouses. It isn't write. It is necessary at times, yes, but I have to say it: IT IS NOT RIGHT. And it is one of the main things that was the foundation of my determination to be done. 4 deployments in 7 years. It's not how marriage or a family was designed to work or be but especially a marriage. Here we are after it all, a WHOLE YEAR LATER, and I'm still a mess. Some things are better but some things haven't changed at all. There is a price. No one ever thinks about the price.
If it weren't for God, I would not be here. My marriage would not have survived and I would be a shell of a person at best. But thankfully, he has plans for me yet. And he works with the broken. Oh yes, he does.