An Un-Christmas Post

So, if it's not already obvious, I knixed the Patreon idea. And that's okay. I like the idea of maybe creating a book or...something revolving around the P & Sisms. But not sure the Patreon is the right place to start. I don't know the right place to start for a lot of things. And I'm finding a lot of people secretly feel that way. And that's okay.

My writing took a semi-unexpected-but-understandable halt when I found out I was unexpectedly expecting. I remember just floating around the day I got it confirmed at the doctor. The only people who knew were me, the doctor, and one friend. And it was the strangest feeling being the holder of such secret information. John had no idea. I had no idea! I remember taking the pregnancy test and when it changed abruptly to a positive, I audibly blurted out, "No way!" I found it hard to think after that. About anything else. My writing had slowed some anyway so that just kind of blew out the flickering flame.

After the miscarriage, I felt this...floating sensation. Like I had been falling, but stopped, and now my body didn't know where to go, stuck in a vacuum. The atmosphere didn't know what to do with me. I still feel a bit of that. Do I go or do I stay? What am I supposed to do now, Lord? Jesus, what would you have me do? A future laid out ahead of me. I saw it. An unexpected turn but my heart opened and welcomed it, scared as I was. I've always wanted more babies. It just felt soon. But I also could do nothing but feel pure joy when the doctor gave me the news. Fear or no fear, I contained a life aside from my own and that is and always will be magic.

I will write more concretely the story, HER story, for she is alive somewhere I can't hold her yet. But that isn't this post. She deserves one all her own. Her story needs to be told. 

But what about me? Where do I go now? What do I do? I don't know. And...that's okay.

But with the waves of grief and change and waiting, the return of creativity occurs. I wanted to paint for the first time in maybe a year. I had ideas about writing again after several months of nothing. I stepped back from my current works-in-progress and smiled. And that's enough.