Grace

Well I wrote a fabulously long blog post, saved it as a draft, and poof! It vanished.
I recently began to see the lingering sadness. Not that I am lingeringly sad. But there were leftover traces of deployment sadness in my home. In fact, there still are. They seem insignificant but seeing them (when I couldn't see them before) was/is sobering. It makes me realize and reaffirm that this year was not easy.
Both things were remnants from the beginning of the deployment. One was a calendar forever stuck on March. The other was a container of seashells I should have put away in April. It's December and as I washed those shells, I found myself just deeply lost in thought about those unthinkable months...the ones I do not wish to ever repeat. And somehow out of all of it came unimaginable joy and growth. My husband has grown more in the past year than I thought possible and I have myself as well. Only a great God can take credit for such miraculous change. Only a gentle Lord can take credit for such mercy.
Christmas has come and gone. My brother has come for a visit which has been wonderful. Hearing P say his name warms my heart.
But my Christmas itself was off tilt this year. I felt distracted from the traditions I thought meant the world to me. I found myself disconnected. And even still do. And I've realized complacency is a dark force not to take lightly. It creeps in and makes home and soon all that mattered doesn't...all you'd die for is dead.
It is scary being faced with those moments when you find you've been deceived. But it is a bittersweetness that reigns over the grace and love that is generously poured out anyway.

Thank you for the reminder, Jesus. I cannot hold it all together. You must.