2013
Amid one of my many late night (and by "late night," I mean 9pm) google sessions of things like...how many ml are in a gal?...I realized...great plums and melons, I haven't blogged in a very long time.
This seems to be a pattern. Here's my theory about why this is:
I have no life (and by "no life," I mean I have so much to do, I debate every morning whether I should shower...but I promise I do!) and very few close friends in the area. So...I either have a ton to write about...but no time...or nothing to write about and tons of time (wait, this never happens)...OR...I sit down to write and it just.doesn't.feel.right. Do you know what I mean? You just know...you don't have the words you require to say it the way you wish to...and in those moments, 8 times out of 10, I will abandon post for another day. Or just give it up to my mind...where it will inevitably drown in my thoughts, for no one else to see.
Deep.
So let's see. Where was I. Literally...where was I?
I survived the semester. I really thought I might have a small heart attack with how much I stress myself out sometimes...specifically with my independent study critique. But it went awesome, I got feedback and lots of compliments and I got to drink wine. And have people hold my baby for me. Sometimes a mom just needs another pair of hands. Or three.
I survived Christmas. Christmas was at our house this year. Both my parents and John's mom and step-dad came over and despite a little bit of stress over dinner, it was a lovely Eve, Day, and days surrounding. Penelope made out like a bandit. But that was to be expected. I did come away with an empty sort of feeling...and I knew it was because I had really let the "holiday" slip away from me. I wasn't faithful in doing Advent readings weekly. I just had trouble focusing and came away sad from it...because I let myself become unfocused. I am refocusing now.
I went to Washington. On an airplane (two). With an eight month old. Who was teething. We got stranded in San Francisco. THANK THE HEAVENS I didn't do this alone. It was my first time flying with a baby and it was so reassuring having John next to me...so if Penelope kicked him, it wasn't a weird apology session with a stranger. A few things must be said about that trip before I can continue: airline seats and long infants do not even make sense in one complete sentence...let alone a flight. Or two. I came away baffled that people travel alone with children. Penelope did beautifully both ways. Really. She was awesome. It was just frustrating trying to FIT her and myself into the confines of one of those seats!!
So back to Washington. We went to Washington. For my cousin Meredith's wedding. I was so blessed that John was able to go too (wasn't sure if it was possible at first) and all the hecticness of traveling and wrangling ourselves together while visiting people and driving hither and thither became ALL worth it as soon as I took my seat at that wedding ceremony. Wow. In that moment, it was like scales fell from my eyes. This was why we came. It was so meaningful, so powerful, so overwhelming. I lost count of how many times I was brought to tears that evening. Meredith was so stunningly beautiful, her dress was breathtaking (my aunt MADE IT), and most of all, the adoration and love radiating from her new husband Levi was impossible to miss. I had never met him before but felt nothing but awesome liking for him and hope some day soon I get the chance to get to know the man that sought her heart.
That evening...as I sat there next to my other cousin Keisha, all our play times as little kids flashed before my eyes. Meredith wasn't able to come to my wedding. I made it my MISSION to make it to hers as soon as she got engaged. I regret NOTHING other than the shortness of time. Here. Drool over a photo by their beautiful wedding photographer Affinity Photography.
So we came home. We immediately dove back into life (my suitcase JUST got unpacked tonight as I write this) over a week ago and have been playing catch up since. John was back at work the next day and I was in my first classes of the semester. P met the family in WA and popped two teeth in two weeks. We all survived (and everyone wanted to keep her, naturally).
Today is the first day I actually feel...settled? A little bit closer to feeling happily home? I always come home feeling wrestled and not sure of my own feelings. This time more than ever because the visit was so SHORT. I longed to visit longer with people. But we took what we could get and cherished it. Hopefully people will come visit us next. Today, I feel...for lack of a better term...centered. As I said in a previous post, I don't believe in Feng Shui...but if I did...today would be a prime example of its necessity. I rearranged my living room with the help of my mom and suddenly almost all feels right in the world. That and I went to counseling yesterday. I'm sure it's more the counseling than the location of my couch. That that feels nice too.
So what will this year be? I have yet to bust out my little yellow book of New Year Resolutions. Maybe that's part of my unsettledness. One thing...I hope to write more this year. This past year held very little writing. Let this year be the year of words. Lots and lots of GOOD STRONG words. And let them fill this blog and anywhere else God sees fit. But what I long for most...is growth. This is going to be a hard year. I'm not a pessimist. My husband is deploying for 10 months. Tell me that's not hard. I speak truth. So I pray for growth. Growth in all areas but specifically growth in my spiritual walk.
Because that is where all else stems.
Happy 2013.
This seems to be a pattern. Here's my theory about why this is:
I have no life (and by "no life," I mean I have so much to do, I debate every morning whether I should shower...but I promise I do!) and very few close friends in the area. So...I either have a ton to write about...but no time...or nothing to write about and tons of time (wait, this never happens)...OR...I sit down to write and it just.doesn't.feel.right. Do you know what I mean? You just know...you don't have the words you require to say it the way you wish to...and in those moments, 8 times out of 10, I will abandon post for another day. Or just give it up to my mind...where it will inevitably drown in my thoughts, for no one else to see.
Deep.
So let's see. Where was I. Literally...where was I?
I survived the semester. I really thought I might have a small heart attack with how much I stress myself out sometimes...specifically with my independent study critique. But it went awesome, I got feedback and lots of compliments and I got to drink wine. And have people hold my baby for me. Sometimes a mom just needs another pair of hands. Or three.
I survived Christmas. Christmas was at our house this year. Both my parents and John's mom and step-dad came over and despite a little bit of stress over dinner, it was a lovely Eve, Day, and days surrounding. Penelope made out like a bandit. But that was to be expected. I did come away with an empty sort of feeling...and I knew it was because I had really let the "holiday" slip away from me. I wasn't faithful in doing Advent readings weekly. I just had trouble focusing and came away sad from it...because I let myself become unfocused. I am refocusing now.
I went to Washington. On an airplane (two). With an eight month old. Who was teething. We got stranded in San Francisco. THANK THE HEAVENS I didn't do this alone. It was my first time flying with a baby and it was so reassuring having John next to me...so if Penelope kicked him, it wasn't a weird apology session with a stranger. A few things must be said about that trip before I can continue: airline seats and long infants do not even make sense in one complete sentence...let alone a flight. Or two. I came away baffled that people travel alone with children. Penelope did beautifully both ways. Really. She was awesome. It was just frustrating trying to FIT her and myself into the confines of one of those seats!!
So back to Washington. We went to Washington. For my cousin Meredith's wedding. I was so blessed that John was able to go too (wasn't sure if it was possible at first) and all the hecticness of traveling and wrangling ourselves together while visiting people and driving hither and thither became ALL worth it as soon as I took my seat at that wedding ceremony. Wow. In that moment, it was like scales fell from my eyes. This was why we came. It was so meaningful, so powerful, so overwhelming. I lost count of how many times I was brought to tears that evening. Meredith was so stunningly beautiful, her dress was breathtaking (my aunt MADE IT), and most of all, the adoration and love radiating from her new husband Levi was impossible to miss. I had never met him before but felt nothing but awesome liking for him and hope some day soon I get the chance to get to know the man that sought her heart.
That evening...as I sat there next to my other cousin Keisha, all our play times as little kids flashed before my eyes. Meredith wasn't able to come to my wedding. I made it my MISSION to make it to hers as soon as she got engaged. I regret NOTHING other than the shortness of time. Here. Drool over a photo by their beautiful wedding photographer Affinity Photography.
Today is the first day I actually feel...settled? A little bit closer to feeling happily home? I always come home feeling wrestled and not sure of my own feelings. This time more than ever because the visit was so SHORT. I longed to visit longer with people. But we took what we could get and cherished it. Hopefully people will come visit us next. Today, I feel...for lack of a better term...centered. As I said in a previous post, I don't believe in Feng Shui...but if I did...today would be a prime example of its necessity. I rearranged my living room with the help of my mom and suddenly almost all feels right in the world. That and I went to counseling yesterday. I'm sure it's more the counseling than the location of my couch. That that feels nice too.
So what will this year be? I have yet to bust out my little yellow book of New Year Resolutions. Maybe that's part of my unsettledness. One thing...I hope to write more this year. This past year held very little writing. Let this year be the year of words. Lots and lots of GOOD STRONG words. And let them fill this blog and anywhere else God sees fit. But what I long for most...is growth. This is going to be a hard year. I'm not a pessimist. My husband is deploying for 10 months. Tell me that's not hard. I speak truth. So I pray for growth. Growth in all areas but specifically growth in my spiritual walk.
Because that is where all else stems.
Happy 2013.
Comments