Escher's Mindtrail

They say that once you've been cheated on, it's hard to truly trust again. I'm feeling that...today. I don't know why today is more special or important than any other day...or I should clarify...tonight.
It's like this...once you find yourself in the horrible position of fully trusting someone and "never seeing them ever do anything like that" and then the dreaded "that" happens...you're whole sense of...well...reality is shifted. The person you most trusted = the person who completely betrayed you in the (almost) worst way. Then your thought pattern becomes "well...if trusted person = untrustworthy slimebag, are all the other people in my life trustworthy? Are they secretly stabbing me in the back?" and so goes the cycle. When someone wonderful finally comes along...you keep checking around you to find the "Cheaters" camera...or the card-up-sleeve routine. Something has to be off, you think...then you hit yourself because you know nothing is...deep down you KNOW that person really IS wonderful unlike the others and really WOULD never do something like that. Yet...you still have that nagging feeling...that hideous nagging feeling that is nothing other than the leftovers from your cheating ex. Leftover emotions you just can't shake off overnight or even over a year. Maybe more than a year. Healing takes time. Time doesn't always mean 10 years. It's all dependant on your willingness to heal and your willingness to put it all out there on the thin, high wire...once again vulnerable.
This year has taught me that...healing takes time...and some hurts from the past are still a little raw...kinda like when you have a bad cut and it scabs over, heals up, the scab falls off...but the scar is still pink and tender and fresh. It's no longer bloody, but you're not about to put much pressure there. That's how I feel...in certain areas. Not even really vital areas thankfully. But little things have reminded me of those hurts, things I had completely forgotten about because I had lived with them for so long...but with John in my life...they appear again...up on the chopping block for a retest. Will the situation be a bomb again or will he come out true with the right response? And John has been golden every time.
I guess I just needed to write this all out. To see for myself.
I am struggling with the sudden panicked deer-in-headlights paranoia of someone who has been cheated on. But thankfully...that panic is turning to concern which is turning to observation which will soon become a memory...and then replaced with a good laugh. Thank you for your patience.