Last Christmas...

I found some writing from last year, before I had gotten back on antidepressants, before I was fully getting the care I so needed. I think everyone should write down their thoughts, even if it's a short paragraph or a couple sentences. It serves several key and important purposes. 

First, personally, it helps me process what I'm experiencing, provides a small outlet of those feelings, and organizes those thoughts. I've been able to work through and process things that had plagued me for years by taking time to write them out.

Second, it sometimes provides invaluable insight later. Like yesterday.

I couldn't help but feel the hurt again while rereading my own struggle, pain, and frustration from a year ago. I explained in detail exactly what my brain was doing, how it was self-sabotaging, something I was just becoming aware of. And yet, even being able to analyze it and understand it, I couldn't help myself, couldn't "just" STOP it. It was out of my hands and I felt like an unwilling passenger, trapped in the off-road vehicle of my brain. My mind had rewired itself to respond in inappropriate ways to minor stress as if it were a crisis. And "trying harder" to stop the cycle just wasn't cutting it. I needed help.

I remember my counselor suggesting antidepressants (it was less of a suggestion and more of an "It's time." talk), something I had really avoided. I had been on them before and something in me was afraid of not feeling myself. But what it took getting back on antidepressants to see was...I ALREADY was not feeling myself. I remember the first time I caught myself absentmindedly singing while doing things around the house, and realizing that I hadn't been singing like that for a long time. And that right there is NOT like myself. I'm always singing random things. It quickly occured to me as the meds regulated, that I had not been myself for quite some time. And the antidepressants helped me get back to feeling myself again. I loved that my counselor gently reminded me, in my apprehension, that this was a season of needed healing. And just like a cast helps set a broken bone, the meds would help get my brain back to a more manageable place that wasn't stuck in this cycle of stress response. 

(Note: I am aware meds are not for everyone and I have had difficult seasons in life where I chose not to turn to them and feel confident in my decision. This was different and I was fortunate enough to have had positive experiences in the past on a reliable drug that I felt comfortable returning to, knowing I would not deal with a lot of side effects which I know can be a real problem with a lot of meds. Although I did not end up needing to, there is a DNA test to match you to the best antidepressant for you. It claims to find you a match so as to avoid having unwanted side effects, etc. I thought it sounded like a good option for anyone needing meds but not knowing what to choose or being wary of side effects. Obviously, I am not a medical professional.)

It's a year later and I feel like a different person (in the BEST WAY). More ME than I have in a long time. Happier, despite it being a challenging year. I have joy surrounding my family and life that gets me through the harder moments.

And I'm thankful for that glimpse of where I had been. It is an important reminder to myself of how far I've come and grown. Sometimes we forget.

I remember last year around the new year pausing and just feeling like...had nothing changed? Had anything about me improved since the year before? At first, I felt like a failure. I had not made these dramatic changes I had had in my mind. But when I really examined myself, I was proud because I could see change, even if it wasn't at the unrealistic rate of change I had been demanding of myself. 

I had wanted to change, which I had. I had not been happy with the person I had become, was becoming. I wanted to take control of my temper and reroute my knee-jerk reactions. And when I really thought deeply, I saw that I'd done all of those things and more. Did I have more growing to do? Absolutely. But who doesn't? 

My word for 2019 was "Meek." Strength under control. I decided to make it my word for 2020 because I felt like there was more work to do and I wasn't done with that word. I look back and am so thankful for this past year. It has challenged me in the most unexpected ways and circumstances (hello, pandemic!) but has brought growth and good change as a result. The person I was 2 years ago seems so far from myself, it's a little scary. Scary to think of who I was living as, who I was being around my family.

Now, I must pray and ponder what word God has for me this next year. I can't wait to see what happens next.