Hi! 3/31

I love how I make these plans to write regularly and more and then, poof, I disappear for 2 months.
Hi!
Here's what's been going on:
1. I realized I may really have some post-partum depression. It wasn't what I expected (he is almost 9 months and I expected something like that to only hit earlier) and I'm glad I chose to seek counseling.
2. I started counseling for said depression and also because counseling is great and everyone should do it for themselves sometime. From past experience, I never really want to go and then when I start, I wonder why I avoided it because it's so helpful.
3. I've struggled a lot. A LOT. But isn't that kind of old hat? Isn't that the understatement of the century? How about we start each post with the unspoken acknowledgement that life is hard, motherhood is hard, being a woman and wife and friend and daughter is hard...I mean, I may still need to vent sometimes but...for now, let's just summarize with that.
4. I expressed the desire to write more to John and expressed a need for a way to do that. It may seem strange but being limited to my phone and the desktop was suffocating my writing significantly. I couldn't think straight at the desktop. I felt so blocked. I could write new material but trying to reformat or rework older stuff? It felt so beyond me. And working from my phone, writing with my thumbs? That just only goes so far. I miss typing and can be hella fast. And I crave to just get some solid writing done. Don't get me started on the nightmare trying to edit on my phone has been.
So, after much research, we got me a Chromebook! I'll do an actual review soon and ironically, no, I'm not writing this from it like I should be (LOL). BUT...it has been amazing. I have a clear head when I write in the living room. I've made major progress on editing, reformating, and even have had some major break through moments in theories within my story that I've been arm-wrestling for ages. But I have mom-brain so I couldn't tell you off the top of my head what they actually were. I did write it down though!
5. Uhhhh, I know other stuff happened. But, again, mom-brain.
So, here we are.
My counselor suggested I write a blog about my cultural experiences. And I thought...a lot of what I write is in relation to that. Maybe I should do more. Or maybe I think about it a ton but don't actually write that much about it, like when I was first in college and thought I was talking about China all the time but actually, I rarely mentioned it even though it was constantly on my mind. Maybe it should be more of what I focus on. Because my perspective is very unique and I know it's not something I will outgrow. A lot has changed about me but my struggles are the same. Not for lack of learning or growing but my upbringing made me eternally different. I can't change that fact. Nor do I want to. And some things simply will always be a struggle. And that's ok.
I tend to be overly critical; of myself, my family, so many unnecessary things. I know I need to be more gentle with myself. I hope you can join me in learning to be gentle to ourselves.