On the Eve of Christmas

Sometimes dreams can only come up from the bottom.
-Eliot Morris

October 23rd:
I understand this time around that giving myself and my body time and grace and gentleness and respecting the healing of post-partum is important and necessary. Strangely, I feel like I've never healed faster versus trying to return to working out immediately with previous babies.
Yet...
Why do I fail to extend the same grace and gentleness and respect to myself concerning other things? What I believe is expected of me in keeping my house clean (expected of me by who?) and all that needs to be done revolving around that? To my children and to myself when I have my short-comings, especially towards my children?
Why am I able to be so unreasonable and demanding and unkind while being gracious and gentle and respectful simultaneously subconsciously? Do I forget so easily that I'm allowing a part of me rest while I'm demanding perfection of another part of me? How can I rewire my thinking?

I wrote this in October after a repeating spiraling cycle of break-down and anxiety and chaos. I jot down thoughts often that come to me and seem too important to simply hope I'll remember them later. This one in particular felt like God was trying to get me to look in the mirror. Like I was getting half of it right but the rest was falling apart. And unfortunately, it's impossible to "just stop." Stopping a behavior can only happen when it is replaced with another. It didn't stop there. It continued and continues. I haven't gotten it right yet. But, I feel closer.
I've felt on the brink of a break-through for some time now. And it just dawned on me how CLOSE break-through is to break-down. They are cousins. And maybe they must involve each other. Perhaps they are like stairs and one must lead to the other...which is both an exciting and wary thought.
The biggest thing that sticks out to me this evening is...how can I lend kindness and grace? To myself, to my children, to my husband, to my family, friends, to strangers? How can I love myself even when I fall short of my own (unlivable unrealistic) expectations? How can I show myself grace in those moments and have that forgiveness extend to those around me? Because that is what I want. I want to be kind to myself. Because I believe it's important. It's important to love yourself. I have notbeen treating myself in a loving way.
I went into my pregnancy with Moses with a new mindset, partially thanks to Birthfit and partially thanks to personal experience and growth. I felt the pressure of keeping fit and had some worry about maintaining a healthy lifestyle all while feeling awful and what it would be like post-partum. But I understood this time that I was in no rush. There was no clock ticking down to when I must be back into my pre-pregnancy jeans, no matter how much I wanted it to be in 5 minutes. That's just not realistic. Nor is it kind or respectful of my body, that grew this beautiful baby and that God designed to be able to do that and then heal itself post-partum. And healing takes time. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong. Period.
I felt the pressure off to get right back into majorly working out. I also had the expectation that I'd have help from my spouse, as I did with baby 1 and 2. I expect my spouse to help with the babies he helped create. I expect him to change diapers, to get up in the middle of the night with me when necessary, to be a freaking father because that's what being a father is in my book. Oh, and help his wife as she slowly heals her vulnerable post-partum body and do the best to understand and respect the intensity of that. By the way, I made this expecation known while we were dating because I know we all have our own set of unspoken expectations that we all think are normal and universal and I assure you, they aren't. We are all so different. That is why it is so important to TALK. SHARE. INFORM. Not just with your spouse but ESPECIALLY with your spouse or significant other. Don't do yourself and them a disservice by heaping expectations on them that they aren't even aware of and may not be willing to do...which is why we talked about this while DATING. I wasn't looking for someone who didn't plan to change their kids' diapers or thought childrearing was entirely a woman's job. No thanks.
With every baby, John has changed 99% of all diapers for the first 2 weeks, which he has taken off of work, to help and bond. He wakes up and changes baby at almost every feeding (still, nightly). He bathes, changes, and does essentially everything I do other than the things he is physically unable to do, such as give birth and breastfeed. He is the most badass dad I know. And even with all that, with his first 2 babies he missed so much due to deployments and military duty. He missed both of their first birthdays. He missed over half of Sabine's first year.
John puts effort into being present, even in things like diapers, because he knows what it feels like to physically not be present and lose the big moments you don't want to miss. He understands the helplessness of wanting to help your struggling, shattered family but being unable to. And I know what it's like to be alone, to need help, to physically NEED to be taken care of due to sickness or injury but he hasn't been able to be there.
This time was special. This time we marvel at the opportunity for him to know he won't have to miss huge chunks of Moses' life. I am so thankful for the ability to say I need help and he can respond and be there.
Back to what I was saying...
I knew I'd be getting help at home the first couple weeks. I tried not to majorly over-extend myself with unrealistic expectations. I didn't make many plans. And I honestly felt great. I felt great even in the hospital. I felt great once we were home. Nursing was hard, having a newborn was hard but PHYSICALLY, I felt the best I ever have after having a baby. And I didn't feel pressure to do anything fast for the first few months. I tried to be gentle with myself and allow rest whenever possible because, let's face it, rest is a 4-letter-word in a house with 3 kids. It's just not something you come by much on the day-to-day.
Yet...my expectations of what others expected of me were unreal. I found myself absolutely paralyzed before my in-laws came to visit and HELP us because I was stuck in this weird obsessive belief that they expected a clean house and meals prepared and to be hosted when I simply was not anywhere close to being able to do that, great feeling or not. My mom talked some sense into me but this has repeated and repeated. It has been a theme for me. Major, major anxiety, break-down, and then get talked off the ledge, all after screaming at my family and throwing a shoe or two. You know, normal things like that. Except that isn't normal. Or at least, if it is, I DON'T WANT it to be.
So, can you see the parallels? Major grace so my physical body can heal but zero grace for what "I think" is expected of me as a person. Which in turn is NOT grace-giving or gentle to my physical body because my physical body contains everything else. That "I think" is important. That's the key right there. What "I think" helps create my reality. It has power the greatest scientific minds have yet to fully grasp. It can control entire systems of the body and bring on sickness or wellness. What you think really matters. And when it's off, that can make or break you.
So, here I am. Admitting my thinking is off. I know there is a problem that needs fixing. I just don't entirely understand how to solve it. I don't know exactly how to alter my subconscious thinking. All I know is that I must. I feel like my mental survival depends on it. And maybe yours does too. Which is why I'm sharing all of this...on Christmas Eve, of all things. I'd hoped to post this sooner but...life.
I am glowing with anticipation of the New Year. Some people think the attention that surrounds a new year is silly and you should make changes where you are. They are right. BUT. If the shininess of a new year sparks change and inspiration in you, then let it. And it does just that for me.
I aim to get to the bottom of this, some way. I am going to be analyzing my life, my health, my habits, trying to alter what needs changing in favor of what I need more of. God. God. More God. Exercise. Now, I feel ready for exercise. And attention to health and nutrition etc.
Merry Christmas Eve, whoever you may be. May we ignite change in ourselves as we look to the savior who changed himself for us.