Peach Punch

Oh hai. It's been real. But here we are. Alive. And deployment 4 has begun.
I never imagined 6 years ago that things would have panned out the way they did few days ago. But there we were in completely opposite emotional states compared to our first deployment so long ago. It's hard to convey my feelings because I feel like my feelings haven't quite caught up with where I am right now physically. It's like I've left my spirit behind somewhere and eventually it's going to tackle me and maybe then all heck will break loose emotionally. But for now I feel very...complacent.
Don't misunderstand me. I don't mean in a cold, unfeeling way by any means. But I believe I'm simply in self preservation mode. With all that's been going on and the ups and downs I've had over the past few months, I think my body just naturally reacted this way; when you simply cannot fall apart, you adapt. You protect yourself.
John, on the other hand, was not so lucky. But in some ways, it was sweet to see him so tender hearted, to see him so exposed and raw and his feelings so on the surface. I remember right before our first deployment, I was a brand new bride, a military bride at that. I had never seen my husband cry. And the thought of him leaving and me falling apart and him showing no emotion was more than I could bear, being the emotionally charged being that I am. I was thankful when he finally did cry for the first time in front of me before he went. Obviously, we have shed many more tears since then. I would have never imagined then how close we could be now. And I know 10 years from now I will feel the same way about our current state of relationship.
I had never really thought about it until recently but you truly have to go through a stage of reintroduction in your relationship in this lifestyle and in the same way you kind of have to close down when they leave to preserve yourself. I feel like I've gone through ocean tides, coming in and going out, of closeness with my husband and I recognize now that things in the military have prevented me from completely being transparent with my him. No, I don't own a fabulous penthouse on a tropical island somewhere with my secret family that I've been hiding for the past 10 years that I've been supporting with dividends from my billion dollar corporation. Thanks for asking. What I mean is...I often...too often...find myself questioning my apprehension, my fear of being hurt by John. As if we are still newly dating. And I've realized only recently that it's due to all the comings and goings. You can never completely lay it all out and be exposed because you will most likely find yourself alone with your feelings at some point. And it's not his fault.
We do a remarkably good job at staying super close. He is my best friend and some days I wonder if it's possible to be closer than we already are. But like my imaginings of 10 years from now that I mentioned just two paragraph before, I instantly thought of this gap the military spouses endure in their relationship. Or more the series of gaps. It makes me excited to see what could change and how we could be stronger as a couple if he didn't have to go away anymore.
The day he left, he was a mess. Many tears were shed and it was heartbreaking watching him cry over his kids, over his little girls who would miss him immensely but didn't truly understand what was happening. Heck, I felt like I didn't even understand what was happening and I've done this before.
So here we are. Processing the gap. Thankful thankful thankful for internet that WORKS. Maneuvering the many innocent questions about his return and me doing my best to give grace to a toddler who might be just throwing a tantrum or who might be broken because her dad is gone and she doesn't know why. Must tread carefully.
Skies are brighter than expected. The world is newer and crisper. Every day is another day down. Let's do this and do it well.
P.S. I hacked my hair.