This will be a long one...

I'm ready to share about my miscarriage. When I was going through it the first time and this time, I kept notes of things that were happening, things I knew I couldn't forget. Here they are: 

11/12 I found a penny on the ground. It sounds so insignificant but it felt important. This came to mind after-the-fact. I recalled my first miscarriage and finding a coin on the ground outside the Florence hospital before finding out the news (which would end up being an 8 hour wait to be seen). I remember a friend had relayed a story about finding coins on the ground being a reminder that someone is praying for you and God is with you. Finding the one in Florence was almost sobering. I remember thinking, "Will I need this, God? Am I walking into somewhere where I'm going to need this small moment of encouragement?" The fact I found a coin a day before both miscarriages is interesting to me. And you can roll your eyes, but God uses small and big things alike. The important thing is, I felt seen. I was already spotting, already gripped with stress and anxiety, unsure of what would happen. Both times, it made me stop and thank God for seeing me and making Himself known.

11/13 This is what I wrote on my birthday:

You're not supposed to make people uncomfortable. I feel like several generations several layers deep have had that pounded into them; don't complain, don't make a fuss, don't make a scene. So, we all walk around with these fake smiles like everything is fine when it's just not.

So, prepare yourself because I'm going to make you feel uncomfortable. Because it's important. And feeling comfortable at the expense of someone else's pain isn't humane. This is raw and disjointed and I don't care.

Today is my birthday and today I had a miscarriage. So, to say I've had better, brighter days is an understatement. Today, I'd have the right by society's standards to throw a fit, to give up. The devil wants me to turn to despair. It's all too much and while it IS and I did have a long cry in my dark closet, I am not going to be knocked down. I already know who the victor is. And I have a new saint in heaven that will pray for me all the days of my life. I couldn't ask for a greater gift. 

I've had great peace today thanks to a great number of friends praying. God has been SO present. I've had meals provided and meals promised and so many willing hands to just help or listen. Thank you.

The time came to tell the girls. Penelope said she asked Simeon, our first angel baby, to take care of this angel baby. I asked God what would He have her name be and before I could even write out the question, I was provided with an answer: Matilda. The patron saint of large families.

Simeon and Matilda, pray for us.

Moses just showed signs of hand foot and mouth disease. Please continue to pray for us, friends. 

We aren't destroyed but we aren't okay.

11/14 I have a strange/crazy story to relay. So, I felt a closeness to St. Faustina from the moment I saw the trailer for the Love and Mercy movie. I was completely unaware of her story and began learning more about her, about Divine Mercy, and the image of Christ she saw and had painted. 

I remembered someone gave John a copy of that image in a small frame several years ago. I didn't appreciate it then, didn't know the story but now, I wanted to find it again but had no idea where in the house to look. Events of the next few days ran that out of my mind but I continued to think of St. Faustina, asking for her intercession as well as other saints close to my heart. We felt led to pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy for the first time together leading up to the day. 

Today (Nov 14th), Moses was whimpering and gesturing for something he wanted, resting on the piano. It was that framed picture. It wasn't there before. I was shocked and handed it to him and he smiled and held it and carried it for several minutes, looking at the image of Christ.

I assumed John must have put it there, but I had not mentioned wanting to find that picture to him or anyone else. When I asked him about it, he had no idea what I was talking about.

So, I thought, either Penelope, of her own accord/compelled by Christ, found it and set it up on display, or it was Jesus himself. Either way, I am in awe and so thankful. 

When I finally did tell the girls this story, I began by asking if either had put the picture there. Neither had ever seen it before.

Jesus, I trust in you.

Later that day, I passed tissue and together, we buried it. I...hesitate even sharing that. Because I don't really want to hear any negative comments. I don't want the beauty of it to be tainted by some moron who is freaked out by bodily functions. Frankly, it was healing to see that my body could do this on its own. The first time was SO medical and, with that, SO full of unknowns. With the language barrier, I had no real idea if all they had done was a D&C or if an ovary had been removed or what. It was kind of terrifying not knowing if the bleeding was normal bleeding or post-surgery bad bleeding. This time was peaceful. Sorrowful...but peaceful.

I held what once had life in my hand. It was indistinguishable but I knew it had to be part of the placenta that had nourished her. It was hard to do, holding what couldn't be kept. But it was healing in its own way.

11/15 George McDonald wrote: "... we behold a birth, of which, as of the moon, we see but half. To the region where he goes, the man, is newly born. We forget it is a birth and call it a death... And as the childbed is watched on earth with anxious expectancy, so the couch of the dying, as we call it, may be surrounded by birth-watchers of the other world, waiting like anxious servants to open the door..."

I felt someone kiss my head while napping. But no one was there. I know John was in the kitchen. I could hear him distantly washing dishes. Everything else was still and silent. But I felt it. A male presence, approaching slowly to keep from waking me, and the gentle kiss only meant for a sleeper.

Jesus, I trust in you.

11/16 I dreamed about deciding to foster. Fostering and adopting is something we've talked about for a long time. I wondered then if God wanted this to open our hearts further to that possibility.

A gift of a book was found from Sabine's teachers. I had initially thought it was for her but found it addressed to me.

11/17 I just came back from Mass. I went alone because the girls woke up feeling sick. It was nice to be on my own for a bit. A few things came to me. One is that for each miscarriage, God gave me a phrase to cling to. For Simeon, it was "Do not be afraid." For Matilda, it was, "Jesus, I trust in you." As I got in line to receive His body, guess what was hanging above me?

The painting of Jesus, I trust in you. It could have been anything. But it was that. It was meant to be for me.

I received a blessing for November birthdays today and I asked for a blessing for miscarriage and received it.

And that's my story. It has been very different from the first time in so many ways but the largest is the sadness is more well-rounded with hope and fear is gone. It still feels like a dream sometimes and I've felt like I'm in this strange limbo of sorts, this middle ground of not knowing what's next because what I thought was next changed and then changed again. But that is passing.

I share all this for myself, largely, but also for anyone else who has been there. It is such a hard path to have to walk alone. Don't. There are so many who have been in your shoes. We need the company, trust me. And God CAN and WILL bring healing and restoration. Even from the deepest agony.

One year after my first miscarriage, we had our rainbow baby. Her birthday is always a time of deep reflection because I remember everything past and am so in awe of God's orchestration. He gave her to me timed perfectly so that she would be in my arms on the anniversary of the loss. And, to borrow from an old hymn (but backwards), my loss has become my richest gain. Because it changed how I see everything.