Penland

Oh. My. Gosh.
It's almost July. And I just got back from Penland. And I don't even know where to begin.
....
So...I'll just dive in randomly and hope I can make sense of it later. I have a feeling this post might be short but we'll see.
I went to Penland School of Crafts for a two week session for Musical Ceramics. I learned how to make drums, whistles, flutes, recorders, and many others (some invented and some long forgotten instruments). I lived in a tiny cubby large enough to contain a single bed, a bit of standing room, and a small dresser and fan (someone had written "poo pie" on it...). I was a work-study student so I worked in the kitchen cleaning dishes or putting them away.
Back up. The few days before I left I experienced MUCH discouragement that almost kept me from going. A back injury, a 24 hour flu bug (if it can at all be helped (HA!) never EVER get a back injury before a 24 hour flu bug...I cannot describe to you the pain contained in one dry heave let alone several), a tropical storm, and weaning my child from breast-feeding later, I somehow wrangled myself into my car and drove the 6ish hours to Penland. I arrived a day later than I was supposed to arrive due to the flu but thankfully I didn't lose my scholarship and jumped right into working in the kitchen within minutes of arriving. I bit back my fear of new places and faces and shyness and was immediately met with, "Wait...YOU are Rachel Wheeler? We've been expecting you!!" along with smiles. It was nice to be expected and not forgotten. I definitely found my first few hours there extremely overwhelming and confusing but at the same time WONDERFUL. The drive up was some much-needed solo time and the change of scenery from flat flatness to gradual hills to mountains (how I miss mountains!) was a good build-up of excitement toward my destination. I couldn't believe how beautiful Penland was as I arrived. It was otherworldly. And I found a lot of things to be otherworldly there as my time went on.
I began journaling the first two or three days. After that I completely forgot all about...well...everything. I was so busy that some days I forgot deodorant. I had a friend there who forgot to put on a bra. I ran on very little sleep and found myself eating copious amounts of food because I was burning energy like...something that burns very, very, very quickly. I felt on fire. It was both exhausting and invigorating. Any time I felt stumped, I'd walk around the other studios and see what all the other classes were doing and then return pumped about what I was doing and ready to tackle it. I came away with more work than I thought possible in two weeks. I also came away with amazing memories (cue cheesy montage with music) but in all seriousness...I met some awesomely creative, fun, and humble people. I felt myself running back and forth on a range of feeling incredibly over my head to feeling awesome and confident in my abilities several times a day. It was full of healthy bouts of doubt and then rediscovered belief in myself. Having taken only one clay class before and being surrounded by MANY clay focused artists, I felt very intimidated the first few days. But it passed and I felt like we all leeched inspiration off of each other.
It's too easy to say a place or time changed your life. If you think about it every experience does to some extent. But there are those that stand out as moments you'll look back on when you're older and think without a moment's hesitation that, yep, that right there was a life-changer. Penland is one of those for me. I wondered if it would be. In fact, when asking my mom and John if God was telling me NOT to go when everything went wrong right before I left...they both said it was most likely the opposite...opposition trying to keep me away from something God had for me. And I heartily believe that now that I'm on the flip-side. It may not have been as big of a thing for many people. But I went there unsure of what to expect or what even to offer of myself. And I came away with answers to questions I hadn't even tried to find answers for because they were so far beyond me at that point. Say what. No really. It's nuts. Crazy talk!
I also met some incredible people, as mentioned before. But also incredible artists. Oh the art! I am still trying to drink in everything I saw and experienced. It will take days to document if I can do it at all.
One of the biggest parts of all of this was being ON MY OWN FOR TWO WHOLE FREAKING WEEKS. It was everything it was meant to be: difficult, lonely, amazing, invigorating, challenging, needed, a breath of fresh air, the feeling of a fresh start. I missed my girl SO much. It was strange and hard not being around here. But it was a rare chance for a mama to recharge...even if very little sleep was had. It was rest for the soul.
I came home to her and when she first saw me she let out a little squeal of delight. I died. Neither of us could stop smiling at each other.
So where do I go from here? What do I do now? Well...some changes will occur drawn from things I learned about myself and my situation. Here are a few important things I learned:
1. I work better around other artists. It's just the way I was made. I like my own space and to not be bothered constantly. But being close by to other people who are creativing and who I can draw energy and inspiration off of...that's my cup of tea.
2. The military is not healthy for my marriage. I spent most of if not all of the two week period with zero communication with John. No calls. No emails for the most part. I got a couple messages around the time Emily had Jean, my nephew.
By the way...I AM AN AUNTIE!! My nephew Jean David was born June 16th on Father's Day after around 30 hours of labor (Go, Mama, go!). He is beautiful, looks like his Mommy, and I cannot wait to meet him.
That being said...the military is not healthy for my marriage. I know it can work for many people. And I'm not saying two weeks without communication is my breaking point. I would have been without communication whether I was at Penland or not. But the point is I think if God made it clear that this is what we are meant to be doing it would of course be doable. But right now I feel Him pushing us OUT and showing us that this environment is NOT good for our marriage. And I think our marriage should be our priority when making the decision of staying in or getting out.
I was supposed to have the red cross send John a message letting him know about Jean's birth and after that not working because they only send messages if it's a wife giving birth, not a sister...I just found myself ENRAGED. I mean...SO angry. And it wasn't at the red cross or anyone in particular. I was just SO frustrated that this happens consistently. I'm told I HAVE to do something. So I go and try to do it only to be told the absolutely opposite...that I CAN NOT or MUST NOT or Wait, what are you talking about? We've never done that ever and no one ever made that order, you're crazy! You're told that A MARINE CORPS WIDE ORDER HAS MANDATED THIS PARTICULAR CHANGE so QUICK people RUN to the hills to get it done so you can find out that oh wait...no...actually...we can't and won't do that for you. You must have heard that MARINE CORPS WIDE ORDER wrong. You have a wound? Let us rub salt in it...and let's get your eyes while we're at it too. Sigh. It's exhausting trying to think like an adult sometimes when I have to deal with these continuous failed communication attempts.
I could seriously go on. And on. And this is just something I found frustrating and definitely not the root of the problem by any means. But for now I will leave it with this sentence that I will continue to say until it serves its purpose: THE MILITARY...IS NOT HEALTHY...FOR MY MARRIAGE.
3. (Sheesh, she's still counting?) I want to pursue my Bachelor's degree. I was going to leave it all up to chance but people at Penland really helped me see that despite me having NO idea where I will be living in a few months (thanks, guys), I should still apply to schools in the guessed areas of possibility. Boom. So I shall do that.
It's crazy looking at that picture and realizing...this (going to Penland) was a goal of mine earlier last year. And I just fulfilled it.
All of this to say...I had a great time. I slept very little, partied hard, worked harder, and came away with some good work and inspiration that lit a fire under my butt. But now I must sleep. So I shall.
P.S. Do you SEE that view?

Photo: Meself