Pour

I think sometimes it's easy to assume children don't know or don't care how you are feeling. After all, you are the one responsible for caring for them. Why is your well being a concern? I'm quickly learning this is not at all accurate. And I am relieved. And my darkest moments are lightened my this knowledge.
My girl loves me. Every day I'm met with the same beautiful smile that is growing ever bigger and every day I realize that she cares how I feel. Just the other day I was pouring out my heart to my mom while nursing. I was crying and just had hit rock bottom. Penelope was nursing. There was a lull in my talking and I was just sitting there in tears, neither adults sure what to say next. And then P, who had stopped nursing, looked up at me, smiled HUGELY and blew the largest, longest raspberry. I had no choice but to laugh heartily and my sick heart felt like it had just been given a dose of much-needed medicine. With a spoonful of sugar.
There is a God and he loves me. He blessed me with this amazing husband and amazing child, both of which are crazy about me. And even when I'm my lowest, they find a way to pull me up and remind me where my eyes should be looking.
My life has felt a lot like water lately, being poured out onto a beach and absorbed by the sand until there's nothing left. I'm wearing thin. And it's not motherhood. It's just a lot of stuff that's going on; stuff that pulls and prods and stretches and demands. Stuff that requires much more of me than I know how to give or even offer. I feel like I have to relearn so many things...like walking after an injury. But we're making progress. Just...please keep me in your thoughts.
For now, all I can do is trust, pray, and concentrate on this little face while John is away.

Photo: Meself